Three’s a Crowd

THE ASSIGNMENT

It’s tiresome to have a third party meddling in your romance. The
Relationship Ghostwriter still feels incensed upon recalling the
indignity dear Peggy Eaton suffered at the hands of Mrs. John C.
Calhoun during that blasted Petticoat Affair!

“My boyfriend of one and a half months (‘Mark’) lives with his friend and his friend's girlfriend (‘Jill’). Mark is very close with Jill - they talk about her relationship issues, they share a lot of inside jokes and tease each other constantly, and he used to visit her in her hometown before she moved in with them. After spending time around them, I end up feeling like I'm playing second fiddle to his lady-roommate, when I should really be his priority, no?

For example, I'll ask Mark to come out for drinks with me, and he'll decline because he has to study, so I leave him alone. But when Jill asks and he declines, she'll push until he gives in. Mark has a passive personality, and he’s admitted that he has a hard time saying no. Plus, Jill loves the attention Mark gives her, and I'm sure Mark loves a tall, curvy blonde giving him attention.

So far, I haven't been able to articulate my feelings on the issue to Mark. Usually, if we’re all hanging out and I witness some interaction, I’ll sulk. Definitely not the best way to handle the situation. Mark will typically notice and ask if something is wrong, but I deny that there’s a problem. Since we haven't been together very long, I'm worried that I'll come across as insecure and jealous, or that I’ll put him in an awkward situation - trying to please both Jill and me - and that's not altogether fair. I'm also worried making Jill an issue gives her what she wants - to be the center of attention and the reason that my boyfriend and I are at odds.  Maybe Mark will even defend her!

I would love for Mark to stand up to Jill, if that's the issue. Or to be as receptive to my demands as he is to hers, without me having to turn into a nagging girlfriend! And, of course, I would love for this girl to lay off Mark a little and realize that I'm supposed to be the main girl in his life. I know they're friends, and I'm fine that they're close for the most part, but she has a boyfriend! I want her to leave my boyfriend alone!”

—Jennifer

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

Here’s one of many direct but still respectful ways to delve into the topic of Jill with Mark.

YOU SAY: (in a comfortable tone, alone with Mark) “Jill is really fond of you, and of course it’s easy for me to see why.  You know, sometimes I wonder if you two would be in a relationship if it weren’t for her boyfriend.  I know that’s an awkward thing for me to say, but it’s occurred to me before.  Is it cool for me to ask you about that?”

THE STRATEGY

Your challenge is to find a satisfying balance between social grace (putting your best foot forward) and honesty (speaking up for what you need).  Sometimes you can do both simultaneously.  Making yourself appealing to others gets you many of the things you need.  Being assertive makes you appealing.  But sometimes you must risk making a move another person may dislike to get something you need.  If you veer too far into being appealing at the cost of being assertive, your needs will go unnoticed or unmet.

The example above shows one of many ways you could tackle the “Jill” problem honestly (being direct, assertive) and gracefully (being respectful, reasonable)—a move that will usually strengthen, not damage, a healthy relationship.  But being direct about something you want or need isn’t easy.  It feels very risky socially, especially at the beginning of a relationship.  Is it worth doing?  You feel unsatisfied, so at least it’s worth a closer look.

It’s clear that Jill is acting in bad form.  And you aren’t sure about Mark’s intentions.  What can you do?  Shift the focus to your choices, away from Jill’s or Mark’s.  Ask yourself, “Are my actions supporting my priorities?”  To get a clear picture of your priorities, first brainstorm a list of all the things you would like to see come of this situation.  Maybe it starts something like this (in no particular order):

Next—and this is really important—edit this into a list of personal goals instead of a simple wish list.  Do this by deleting or reframing items until the list contains only that which is specific and within your control.  In other words, each item must theoretically be achievable by you alone in the near future.  Here’s a start:

Now you have a sharper focus on what matters most to you.  When you’re unsure about your goals, you cannot commit to a strategy and you usually feel dissatisfied.  For instance, you described how sulking was unsatisfying.  That’s because you were in limbo, committed neither to being assertive nor being stoic.  When you have clarity about your priorities, it’s easier to commit and to make deliberate concessions when necessary to accomplish what matters most.

You may come out feeling motivated to try something new, even if that something is challenging or risky.  If you prioritize the “happy, healthy, committed relationship” standard above all else, it may motivate you to be gracefully honest with Mark about how his intimacy with Jill makes you feel.  If the relationship is up to your standards, he will be on your team and will try to make things better even if you disagree and it is challenging.  If he’s not on your team, that hurts, but it’s good to know because you are unwilling to settle for a relationship that doesn’t work for both of you.

Priorities and motivations are deeply personal, so they will be different for everyone.  What matters more than what you choose is simply that you own the decision-making process.*  Own the fact that one goal is more important to you than another.  Own the concessions you are willing to make to achieve that goal.  Deep dissatisfaction comes from feeling powerless in the face of other people’s choices.  Satisfaction and contentment come from empowering yourself by committing to specific, achievable personal goals based on your priorities.

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* Note to readers: The Relationship Ghostwriter is not saying it is okay to go murder someone as long as you own the decision-making process.  If that’s what you were thinking, stop being snarky and go talk to a spiritual advisor about Right and Wrong instead of chillin’ (yes, like a villain) here.

Motivation to Change

THE ASSIGNMENT

The Relationship Ghostwriter walks to stay in shape.
It can’t risk being too slow to outmaneuver ghost hunters.

“I have been married just over a year and I have a 1-year-old little girl. My husband and I want to have more children, but I am concerned with his health. I am NOT a health nut by any stretch of the imagination, (I like to drink, eat :)), but, I do exercise, take vitamins, practice a couple holistic rituals here and there and overall, CARE about my health. To be honest, I don’t want to get pregnant again until he starts to put in a little effort into his own health. But I'm 37, it's not like I have all the time in the world to have a family, right?

I try and cook healthy meals, but I don't always cook. I buy him vitamins, and anything else I think may help him. I even set up his weekly container to make it easy. Nevertheless, he still eats lots of sweets, (he denies this, but I find wrappers). He never exercises, and I cannot even get him to walk our dogs. The only time he does any of these things is when I get so fed up that I genuinely tell him that I don't want to deal with his lifestyle anymore. I know it may sound harsh, he is a responsible good man with a big heart, what worries me is his big belly. I like the way he looks, I'm still attracted to him, it's just I know his behavior cannot be healthy.

His mother is diabetic. His father died of cancer. He is almost 42, and acts and eats like he's 8. I feel he has zero interest in himself. I'm desperate, and I'm starting to get pissed off. How do I get my husband to take accountability for his health and start making better choices?”

—Sandwitch

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: As you’re clearly aware, major changes in a person’s behavior—like what they eat or how much they exercise—are not easy to come by.  External pressures like threats and rewards may produce short-term change.  Internal motivation is the key to long-term change.  You are in a unique position to elicit your husband’s own internal motivation by increasing his self awareness.  Respectfully and supportively challenge him to explore what drives him to get healthy—and what holds him back.  For example,

YOU SAY: “What about taking the dogs for a walk today, in an hour or so?”

HE SAYS: “I don’t have time.  Maybe later.”

YOU SAY: (in a collaborative, non-judgmental tone)  “That’s alright.  Can I ask you a question?  You know I want to support you in making healthy choices—that’s why I’m asking about a walk.  But I know you don’t like it if I pressure you to do things, and I won’t give you a hard time if you don’t feel like walking today.  Here’s what I want to know.  In the future, what would be the best way for me to encourage you to do something like go out walking?”

WHAT’S NEXT:

The Relationship Ghostwriter also needs a good strategy
for motivating change. Its eagle friend has been engaging
in some especially problematic behavior as of late.

You have asked your husband an open-ended question about what might increase his internal motivation to get healthier.  He may not have an answer.  He may be intrigued, or he may feel defensive.  Your non-judgmental tone at least opens the way for you to explore his motivation as a team.  Do your best to ask open questions and actively listen—you won’t learn much if you fill in the blanks with your own opinion.  If he’s not in the mood to talk now, give him space.  It won’t be constructive to force him into this conversation, but keep your eyes open for the right opportunity to pick it up again later.

THE STRATEGY

Internal motivation drives you to give your best effort because you set high personal stakes for yourself.  Think of how it feels to want to learn to play an instrument as an adult versus when you were made to take lessons as a child.  Or think about your job—how much are you devoted to random work assignments versus a project you helped dream up?  External motivators—obeying your parents, satisfying the basic requirements of your job—are enough to make us do certain activities, but often with minimal effort.  True dedication and enthusiasm are the products of internal motivation.

Right now, your husband is not internally motivated to change.  If he were, all of the things you do for him (buying vitamins, cooking meals) would be a tremendous help.  However, until he accesses his own motivation, any external judgment (anyone suggesting how he should behave) may feel a little like an attack.  He is resistant to change because he may be, as you suspect, uninterested in fitness.  He may feel conflicted about costs and benefits.  He may want to avoid thinking about health altogether after watching two parents suffer diseases—and after losing one of them.  This is all normal and understandable.  The best thing you can do for your husband is to collaborate with him in uncovering his thoughts and beliefs about getting healthier.  Arguing with him or contradicting him—even in a nice way—will probably solidify his commitment to his old behaviors.

Active listening and open-ended questions are your best friends.  For example, what motivates him to complete other tasks that aren’t altogether enjoyable, like going to work?  How is that different from going to the gym?  What is good about the way things are now?  What is not-so-good if things stay the same?  To create space for change, take the attitude that there are no wrong answers.  Be non-judgmental.  If you make it sound like you are thinking of a Right Answer to open-ended questions or if you try to send messages or accusations between the lines, he will probably get more resistant.  Simply be curious and supportive.  You will help increase your husband’s self-awareness about what motivates him—which is the best first step for change.

It is obvious how much you love and care about your husband.  Take care of yourself, too, by checking in with the Ownership Challenge.  Make sure your priorities in this situation are fully within your control (achievable and practical).  For example, if your top priority is, “I want my husband to get healthier,” you have set yourself up for frustration because you are not in the driver’s seat.  But, let’s say your goal is, “I want to support his internal motivation to get healthy.”  Now you’re in great shape to get started.

(If you want to know more about how internal motivation drives behavior, you might be interested in Motivational Interviewing techniques.)

Hierarchy Malarkey

Fig. 1) What not to do:

Passive behavior means bypassing your own wants and

needs to accommodate others. So, if the crocodile asks

for half your pie, you quickly hand over the whole pie.

THE ASSIGNMENT

“I have been working at a large organization for the past five years, and recently a new manager was put in charge of my unit with few technical skills and largely for political reasons. This person is not in the least qualified for the position, and, in addition, he constantly tries to put me down so he can appear more qualified. It seems to me that he is most interested in 'winning' a discussion and demonstrating his power over me. I work in a highly respected organization in which meritocracy is the standard, but where political appointments of this nature can occur.

I would like to be able to stand up to my new boss when he is technically wrong on issues, but not to the point that I put my own job at risk. In the past I tend to find ways to accommodate those who criticize or take advantage of me. I have not been very assertive, but would certainly like to become more so. I want to be honest and hold my ground. I have been told in the past that I am ‘too nice’ to get ahead. Only rarely do I insist on an argument to the point that my boss would be willing to change his mind. 

How does one treat an incompetent boss respectfully without condoning his incompetence?”

—Mr. Nice

Fig. 2) What not to do:

Passive-aggressive behavior means acting simultaneously

compliant and displeased. So, if the crocodile asks for

half your pie, you comply by giving him half, but you

roll your eyes while you do it.

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: Here’s what you do to lay the groundwork to be well received when you respectfully assert yourself at work: 1) maintain a clear, strong sense of your personal principles and boundaries, and 2) cultivate affable relationships with your colleagues.  Putting a little energy into these two strategies every day sets you up to be more comfortable and persuasive when asserting your wants and needs.  For example, let’s say your boss makes a declaration that doesn’t work for you during a meeting, and you want to assert yourself:

HE SAYS: “Okay, so we can all agree that the sky is green, yes?  As of today, we are going to launch a new campaign centered on this fact.”

YOU SAY: (in a collaborative, unanxious tone) “Can we pause for a moment?  I have serious concerns about saying the sky is green.  I actually have an entirely different view.  I believe the sky is blue, and I’m going to have a hard time reconciling both ideas.”

WHAT NEXT: The affable relationships you have cultivated paired with the way you consistently keep to your principles will increase the probability that the group will value what you have to say and begin a constructive conversation about the issue at hand.  If, in spite of everything, your dysfunctional boss stays true to form and only wants to argue with you, you are not obliged to play that win/lose game with him.  Use active listening to let him feel heard without having to agree or disagree.  Keep the Ownership Challenge in mind as you decide how far you are willing to go to try to persuade him to change.

Fig. 3) What not to do:

Aggressive behavior means overcompensating for

your wants and needs. So, if the crocodile asks for half

your pie, you—outraged that he wants more than just

a slice—throw the whole pie in his face.

THE STRATEGY

Being under the authority of someone you believe to be incompetent or dysfunctional is extraordinarily frustrating.  There’s no perfect solution, but assertiveness certainly helps.  Being assertive does not mean being unaccommodating, disrespectful, or insubordinate; on the contrary, in a functional work environment, assertiveness is the most respectful and effective communication style.  (For more on communication styles, click here.)

Why are boundaries and affability such important foundations for assertiveness?  Imagine the ideal competent co-worker.  This person works hard.  He also takes the time to know you personally.  He doesn’t just say, “How are you?” in a friendly way—he remembers a few specific things, like, “How did the barbecue go?”  Imagine that this guy is also very consistent—you can rely on him to produce great work, and you can expect to hit a brick wall if you attempt to manipulate or bully him.  You like this person because you don’t have to worry about him—he is a solid team member, he is personable, and he will look after his own wants and needs.

Fig. 4) What TO do:

Assertive behavior means respectfully taking care

of your own wants and needs—nothing more, nothing

less. So, if the crocodile asks for half your pie, you tell

him you can’t give him that much, but you’ll be happy

to share a slice. You’re both winners!

Now imagine this person sitting in a meeting.  Here’s where all his work pays off: it is really hard to be a jerk to this guy.  Not only do you respect and like him—you aren’t able to take advantage of him.  Treating him with disrespect or wasting his time with an unreasonable argument would earn you the disapproval of the rest of the team.  And it’s not just because he’s nice—he’s likable and assertive.

None of us is so perfect and consistent all the time.  But keeping a model in mind, real or imagined, is a helpful strategy as you work on breaking old habits—you can check in with what your model might do if you feel stuck accommodating when you’d rather be asserting.  Unfortunately, being more assertive doesn’t guarantee your boss will ever change or improve—that is not fully within your control.  What you will gain instead is the assurance that your own wants and needs are a priority, leaving you more satisfied at the end of the day and better able to deal with your boss’s nonsense tomorrow.