Plan to Take Ownership

THE ASSIGNMENT 

"I’m 33 and just recently began a relationship with a great guy, I’ll call him ‘Josh.’ Josh and I have only been dating for a couple months.  Everything feels right so far. 

Well, almost everything.  There is one thing that bugs me a lot and feels like it could get to be a bigger and bigger problem.  We don’t ever make plans until the last minute.  I am a person who likes a busy social life and I also just like to plan ahead for things.  For example, I enjoy a party a lot more if I have known about it a few days ahead, picked out my outfit, got to enjoy the anticipation.  Josh will come up with plans for us that are really fun, but he’ll only call me one hour before a movie or something.  Maybe he just likes to be more spontaneous.

Sometimes I’ll get in touch with Josh during the week and suggest a plan for the weekend so I will know what to expect.  That works well.  But now I am starting to resent that he never does this.  What if we end up together and I am always the one who has to make our plans?  I think that will really start to be a problem for me and I would want to know now, but it feels too soon to have some serious 'talk' with him about it, so I have started to try to give him hints that I want him to plan ahead.  Like, on a Tuesday I’ll say to him casually, 'Wow, I’ve already got plans for Friday night and Sunday afternoon!  It’s going to be a busy weekend.  It would be nice to do something with you, too.'

He doesn’t seem to get it and it isn’t working.  I know I can just make a specific plan and it will probably work and we’ll have fun, but why do I have to initiate everything? What can I do to make him see that he also needs to share the job of planning ahead?”

— Leah H.

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

If your top priority is to have Josh consistently share the work of planning activities in advance, you are most likely to succeed if you are assertive with Josh.  That means having a Serious Talk with him—“serious” because you will be asking him to adopt a new behavior.  Here’s how you can assert your wish to Josh and possibly influence him to make a habit of sharing the planning.


SETUP:  You find a moment when you are in the midst of a warm, comfortable exchange with Josh, ideally about the last plan you made together and enjoyed.  You speak in a serious but comfortable tone of voice.

YOU SAY:  “You’ve probably noticed that I’m the kind of person who likes to plan things in advance.  I want to be honest about something.  I am starting to find myself wishing you would call me with a plan in mind a few days before the weekend.  I would really love that.  But I certainly don’t want to impose an awkward obligation on you.  How do you feel about it?”

WHAT'S NEXT?  Josh may handle this moment with ease, or he may act uncomfortable.  He may ask questions because he needs clarification.  Inside jokes and physical gestures of affection can be wonderful icebreakers if things feel too unnatural.  If he is resistant or dodges (like, “Yeah, I don’t know, I’m just really tired during the week”), you will need to decide how important it is to you to continue trying—is your priority still to get him to adopt the new behavior or to resume the comfort of things as they were before?  Each choice you make will bring up new choices, so identifying your priorities will be really helpful.  That brings us to the strategy for today.

THE STRATEGY

Leah’s instinct was to avoid a Serious Talk during the vulnerable beginning stages of a relationship.  At the same time, asserting herself will be the most efficient, effective, and sustainable way to influence Josh to start planning ahead if he is willing to do so.  Leah will derive the most satisfaction from whatever choice she makes if she takes a moment to consider her priorities, which will empower her to own whatever choice she makes.

Three competing priorities show up in Leah's submission:

• Knowing of plans at least a couple of days in advance

• Ensuring that those with whom she socializes share the job of making plans in advance (this reframes Leah’s statement that “Josh also needs to share the job of planning ahead”—something no action of hers can guarantee because it is Josh’s choice—into something she could theoretically achieve, even if the worst-case scenario is ending relationships if the other parties do not accommodate)

• Not putting strain on this relationship with a Serious Talk (involving a request for Josh to change) when the relationship is still new

Leah has been frustrated so far trying to accommodate all three of these priorities at once.  (The last two priorities compete with each other and cannot be accomplished at the same time without the use of passive behavior, which has very low odds of producing long-term satisfaction.)

The Relationship Ghostwriter strategizing with trusted

friend and confidant, Founding Father George Wythe,

"Virginia's foremost classical scholar." [1]

Identifying which priority has the greatest importance and knowing she cannot accommodate all three will empower Leah by giving her clarity about what she most wants to see happen.  Perhaps Leah feels that “knowing of plans at least a couple of days in advance” is most important.

Now Leah has focus.  Having one priority motivates her to turn down the volume on competing concerns.  She had success in the past when she chose to initiate plans in advance, but she worried that doing so would become burdensome.  Now she can reframe things: rather than it being a burden to take on the responsibility of planning ahead, taking on the job of planning ahead is insurance that her top priority will be achieved.

Alternately, Leah could feel most strongly about a different priority, “Ensuring that those with whom she socializes share the job of making plans in advance.”  This would dramatically change her focus from the planning itself to the burden of planning—it is most important to her that she not be the only one to make plans.  She wishes to be surrounded by people who are willing and able to plan ahead.  Now it seems very important to have a Serious Talk with Josh as soon as possible, because it is vital that she know whether he will ever be able to share in the advance plan-making.

Finally, if the third priority in the list--the comfort of the relationship--takes top priority, Leah will want to set aside other concerns for a later time when the relationship is more firmly established.  She will think to herself, “I’m willing to be the planner for now and I don't resent that because my top priority is to see how my relationship with Josh will progress without any extra stressors yet.  Someday, if it still concerns me, I will find the right opportunity to talk it over with Josh.”  When that day comes, Leah is likely to have a fresh set of choices and priorities to consider—something she is well-equipped to handle if she takes ownership of her choices then as she has done this time.

In all three cases, Leah’s mental framework shifts when she takes personal responsibility for her chosen priority and its consequences.  She has a greater sense of control in the situation and she puts herself in the driver’s seat.  Instead of growing to resent Josh over time because of his choices or becoming frustrated by trying to satisfy all of her conflicting priorities at once, she feels able to strategize and adjust based on a clear sense of what matters most to her at any given moment.  She answers to herself first and thereby puts herself in charge of her own happiness.