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Concerned with matters of state, George Wythe doesn’t take the time to give the Relationship Ghostwriter his full attention. |
You want to have the whole package. But how? What does it look like when someone says the right words and has the tone of voice and body language to match? Below is a clip from the television show Supernanny—one of countless good examples out there. (The embedded video likes to jump around, so just refresh your browser window if the video is blocking text.) The premise: nanny Jo Frost visits families and coaches them on child-rearing techniques. Jo is a superb model for effective communication. Her tone of voice and body language work together to create a safe space for relationship-building.
Jo’s words in this specific clip are less important for our purposes—after all, the clip has been edited down for television and we don’t have the context of the whole episode. Instead of focusing on what she says, pay special attention to Jo’s tone and body language.
Though she spends much of the clip delivering negative feedback to the family, her tone of voice is comfortable and assertive—warm and sincere. Like her tone, her body language encourages trust and honesty from her listeners. Her facial expressions and open posture express attentiveness, caring, and empathy. She gets positive results from her listeners: rather than becoming defensive, the parents become motivated to change.
Though she spends much of the clip delivering negative feedback to the family, her tone of voice is comfortable and assertive—warm and sincere. Like her tone, her body language encourages trust and honesty from her listeners. Her facial expressions and open posture express attentiveness, caring, and empathy. She gets positive results from her listeners: rather than becoming defensive, the parents become motivated to change.
Perception Matters
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Why is it a jar? Also, why is it filled with coins? |
Why listen for what the other person is hearing? Consider if you’ve ever felt this way: Another person has taken offense to something you said. You had no intention of hurting them—they misunderstood your meaning. You find yourself desperately defending yourself, explaining that you meant it differently, that you would never say what they think you said. Your defense of yourself seems to make things worse—now they are offended by what you said and by the fact that you are denying you said it. Soon, you’re trudging through an argument over specific words and phrasing, seeking proof to back up your case. It is maddening. You don’t know whether to stop and apologize or to keep trying to convince the other person you’re right.
This is a familiar experience for most of us. It is normal and natural for people to misunderstand other people—no matter how well we know each other, our brains process information a little differently. There is no such thing as a universal Right or Wrong way to get an idea across.
That’s why the Secret to Minimizing Misunderstandings is of the utmost importance. Without necessarily realizing it, many of us launch into communicating our thoughts as though our audience (one person or many) is made up only of other people whose brains process information exactly the same way ours just did. This is a false notion, and it leads to a higher number of frustrating moments like the one described above.
Successful (clear, effective, efficient) communication is dependent on the speaker’s ability to hear what his or her audience hears, so to speak. One’s ability to connect with, persuade, or otherwise influence others depends upon this ability—the very best psychologists, teachers, politicians, (and even mentalists, psychics, and cold readers) are experts at doing so.
Adjusting the Way You’re Perceived
You certainly don’t have to be an expert mentalist to make the Secret to Minimizing Misunderstandings work for you. All you have to do is shift your focus—your energy—from simply thinking about what you want to say next to thinking about what you want others to hear and perceive.
Old Focus (Not so effective!)Thinking only about what you want to say usually looks something like this: When an idea occurs to you, you simply say it out loud. You anticipate a one-to-one translation to the other person’s brain: they will make sense of it just like you did when it occurred to you. You go forward thinking they will follow your train of thought, and you believe they can and should intuit your meaning. Often, when the other party is speaking, you find yourself spending a lot of mental energy holding onto what you want to say next. And, you feel at least a little offended if you are misunderstood—what you said made sense to you, so the other party must not have been listening carefully. If you are misunderstood enough times, you have an urge to communicate your frustration directly (such as by saying, “You’re not listening”) or indirectly (such as by rolling your eyes or sighing impatiently).
New Focus (So effective!)
Thinking about what other people will hear and perceive is the more effective and, ultimately, more efficient way to communicate. Because the payoff is bigger and better, it will take more effort and energy than simply speaking off the cuff.
First, it is critical that you accept the idea that there is no such thing as a one-to-one translation of your thoughts to another person’s brain. You must do a little work if you wish to minimize what may otherwise be lost in translation. Again, the three major skills to work on are:Skill 1) What words to choose when you speak
Skill 2) What tone of voice to use when you speak
Skill 3) What body language to display as you speak or listen
This website is all about Skill 1 (what words will be most effective in a given scenario), so we won’t spend additional time on that here.
Tone of voice and body language (skills 2 and 3) are best learned by observing what others do and imitating or reproducing what you think works best. You have been an avid observer of tone and body language throughout your life, so you are already on your way. Now, simply make a conscious decision to focus in on other people’s tone and body language. You will learn fast and see results quickly by looking for models in the people around you.
Think of a person you find to be very comforting, calming, or empathetic. How does she carry herself? What makes her easy to talk to? Get as specific as possible. Does she sit forward and make eye contact when you speak? Is she loud or quiet? Does she ever interrupt? When and why? Does her voice usually go up or down at the end of sentences? What clues does she give you that you have her attention and that she is making an effort to hear you accurately? If you know this person well enough, perhaps you can ask her specific questions about why she makes the choices she does.
Keep looking. How do people act who have other attributes you admire—patience, intelligence, warmth, grace? What about the negative attributes—what about a person who you think of as aggressive, manipulative, or arrogant? How is her body language different? What lets you know she is not making an effort to empathize? What are the physical and vocal clues that she is being sarcastic, or passive-aggressive, or dismissive? What effect do those techniques have on you or others?
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| Looking for educational examples amongst TV personalities is a task the Relationship Ghostwriter takes very seriously. It charitably devotes much of its free time to this task. |
Be on the lookout for other examples of how words, tone, and body language impact how others may perceive you. As you look for examples, you will notice many things you want to try and practice, or things you want to avoid and habits you want to break. The more details you notice, the more tools you have to adjust the way others perceive you. This will give you greater control over your chances of having people respond to you a certain way, and it will similarly decrease your chances of feeling misunderstood.
