Intention is Important
Humans almost always act with intention—with a plan or a goal in mind—whether we are getting a cup of water to quench our thirst or moving across the country to pursue a new job. Our big and small decisions in life are driven by our intentions. Positive intentions almost certainly lead to greater long-term health and wellbeing—and healthier relationships.Intentions define us. What each person hopes and expects to see happen is a fundamental part of his or her identity. You see how much intention matters to us when something happens that we did not expressly intend. When accidents, external circumstances, or our own automatic responses surprise us—from a loud sneeze to a marathon phone call to a car accident—most of us have a natural impulse to mention our intentions. After long chats on the phone, for example, we often say, “This was fun—I didn’t plan to talk for two hours!” Or, after causing a car accident, it feels necessary to say, “I am so sorry. I never meant for this to happen.”
We are giving others vital information by explaining our intentions: we are saying, in essence, “I did not set out to cause you trouble. Causing problems for others is not something I would do on purpose.” This is a very, very important message. If someone’s aim is to cause problems for others, that person is at best egocentric and at worst dangerous. That is a person to avoid. So, no wonder we feel an impulse to make others believe that we act with good intentions. Intention is tremendously important.
But Intention Isn’t Everything
Intentions are so important that it is easy to forget that intention isn’t everything—simply intending good things to happen to you and those around you won’t satisfy all of your wants and needs. Intentions can only get you so far—and overestimating the power of good intentions can make some problems worse.
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| When the Relationship Ghostwriter joked that its bee friend was “bumbling along,” the bee took immediate offense. He is a honey bee. He does not appreciate being confused with a simple- nested bumble bee. The Ghostwriter didn’t intend to insult its bee friend, but that doesn’t change the fact that the bee is offended. |
We have all been in situations where, in spite of our good intentions, we caused another person harm or offense. Unfortunately, good intentions do not make you invulnerable to wrongdoing. Accidents happen. Bad days happen. Misunderstandings happen—one person’s idea of a helpful suggestion or playful remark may seem inappropriate to someone else. It feels confusing, frustrating, and sometimes humiliating to be in the role of offender when you had no intention of creating a victim. A normal response is to emphasize that you would never have planned it this way—you did not set out to cause harm. You did not intend it.
It is important that you honor your need to explain your intentions. But it is just as important that you do not overemphasize your good intentions, using them as a shield against taking personal responsibility for the effects of your choices. We all cause harm to others from time to time, regardless of our hopes and expectations. This is normal and unavoidable. Fortunately, there are always ways you can help make things better. A meaningful apology is perhaps the most important step you can take—and a meaningful apology requires you to do a little better than “I’m sorry, but I didn’t do it on purpose!”
How to Make a Meaningful Apology
If you go into a situation with good intentions but you unintentionally hurt or offend someone, you may feel confused, frustrated, and embarrassed. You may need a moment to regroup. When you are able, continue with good intentions—let your intentions shift to accommodate this new situation. Know that everyone winds up hurting or offending someone else from time to time. How you respond is what matters most now. Make a sincere and meaningful apology. Below are some pointers, starting with what not to do.
Not good: You say, “I’m sorry if you were hurt,” or “I’m sorry you got offended.” This kind of apology puts the responsibility for the situation on the other person—you sound like you don’t really believe they were legitimately hurt, so you apologize conditionally (“if you got hurt”) or on their behalf (“I’m sorry you got offended.”) This is not likely to be constructive, and it is not a meaningful apology.Sort of okay: You say, “I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean to do it!” You feel bad and you say you’re sorry, but you put equal energy into clarifying your intentions (“I didn’t mean to do it”). If the other person doesn’t accept your apology and drop it, you remain fixated on reminding them you didn’t intend harm: “I get why you are upset, but I didn’t know this would upset you!” Perhaps you even feel a little offended yourself—why do you have to keep apologizing for something you didn’t intend in the first place? Maybe you get impatient: “I said I’m sorry—what more do you want? It’s not like I was trying to hurt you!” In this case, your fixation on communicating your intentions is getting in the way of making a meaningful apology and moving on—it’s very important that you didn’t have bad intentions, but there’s more to apologizing than pointing out you’re not a sociopath.
Much better: You say, “I’m sorry. I did/said the wrong thing. I didn’t intend to hurt you.” You assure the other person it won’t happen again and you ask what you can do to make things right. If you feel a strong urge to have the other person acknowledge that you did not intend harm, you ask them to do so directly and respectfully: “I know what I did was wrong. It’s important to me to hear you say that you understand I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Do not dwell on this—if they acknowledge your good intentions, believe them and move on. If they do not, drop it for now and focus on the rest of your apology. If someone believes, deep down, that you did intend to cause harm, there are very serious problems in the relationship and professional help may be needed. This is not the case most of the time—so don’t get stuck on declaring good intentions.
Best of All: You say, “I’m sorry. I did/said the wrong thing.” You go on to acknowledge what you did, paraphrasing what you heard the other person tell you about why and how they were hurt, and what effect your actions had. You explain how you feel: “I feel very [sad, bad, humiliated, etc.] that I hurt you. I did not intend to hurt you, but that doesn’t change the fact that I did.” You explain what this has taught you and assure the other person that you are taking this lesson seriously: “I can be more careful in the future and I will do my honest best to make sure this doesn’t happen again.” Finally, you say what you are willing to do to make things right—from answering questions to working on problem behavior to replacing property—and ask what the other person needs. You follow through on your promises and stick to the agreement.In sum, if you unintentionally cause another person harm, do what you can to make things right, and then move forward. When all is said and done, let your good intentions drive you to continue improving yourself—if there is something you can learn from what happened that will help you in the future, focus your energy there. Do not punish yourself past the point of diminishing returns—look for what positive things can grow out of this negative moment.
How to Receive a Meaningful Apology
On a slightly different note, what if you are receiving an apology from a friend or loved one who caused you harm without intending it? If someone does you wrong, regardless of their intentions, it is normal to experience painful emotions—anger, sadness, shock. It is natural to feel out of control of your reactions for a period of time. Apologies may not seem acceptable right away.
As much as possible, tread carefully. This is a very vulnerable time for any long-term relationship—both of you are surprised by what happened. Your actions, as uncontrollable as they may seem, can cause just as much damage as you feel was done to you. You are still responsible for your choices. If you are unable to regain some control of yourself within a minute or so, walk away and take a moment to calm down and reflect. Try to remember things you like about the other person. Think about a recent good experience you shared. Think of a time when you unintentionally harmed someone else—we are all in this position sometimes.
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| The Relationship Ghostwriter and its bee friend get back on track after a meaningful apology! |
Trusting that the other person is not a sociopath, he or she is feeling very badly for hurting you. You may have a normal impulse to punish the other person. At some point soon, the wild wave of your first emotional reaction will pass, and you will choose your next responses. Think about your intentions—what do you want from this relationship? Expecting a meaningful apology makes sense. A serious talk is constructive. Inflicting further pain is destructive.
Be your best self. Acknowledge the other person’s intentions. Accept their apology if it is meaningful and genuine. If you are still upset, do not use your pain to drag the other person even lower. Be upset together—now you are both in a difficult situation and you can talk about it and support each other. Make a plan that allows you to come out of this as a team.
