R.S.V.P.

THE ASSIGNMENT

A Relationship Ghostwriter family portrait!

“My brother Jackson -- the family Alpha Male -- habitually causes hurt feelings in our family. He criticizes us in public, dismisses our opinions, interrupts, and plays the surprised victim if we get frustrated or angry. Usually, I can avoid Jackson. However, this past week, he invited all of us to a dinner honoring him with an award, saying in his collective email that we should send in our names if we'd like to see him get his award. Because the invitation was sent to many people, and because the cost was very high, and because it appeared to be a fundraiser for a group I hadn't heard of, I didn't respond.

Meanwhile, my sister, Beth, is going through a series of stressful, life-changing events. Among other things, she is about to retire from a long career. She invited the family to a couple of retirement events. I feel it is very important to attend these events to support Beth. Jackson is not planning to attend.  Now, Jackson has sent a ‘reminder' to those of us who didn't offer to go to his event, stating that there are three more places at the table. Our mom is pressing me to go.

I can afford the cost, but I don’t want to feel pressured. Also, I want to support Beth. Jackson has offered no support to Beth. How do I respond to Jackson's invitation, knowing he will feel slighted and somewhat offended that I attended Beth's events?  I'd like a strategy that keeps me from feeling pressured, guilty, defensive, and angry.”

— Tessa

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

SETUP: You have identified many valid frustrations and many different priorities.  It is difficult to decide how you want to respond—whether to accept or decline, how to manage the ramifications either way—because you have not chosen a top priority.  The Ownership Challenge will help you zero in on a top priority, and from there you will have a clearer idea of what you want to accomplish with your R.S.V.P. and other future interactions with your brother Jackson.  For this example, let’s say you decide that bolstering family support for your sister Beth is your highest priority.  Here is a response that attempts to encourage Jackson to attend at least one of Beth’s events:

YOU WRITE:  “Congratulations for receiving this honor!  Do you still have a spot available?  I’d like to attend, if so.  I also want to ask you something else.  I was disappointed to hear you couldn’t join us at either of Beth’s events.  I know you are exceptionally busy, but you are great about making time when the family needs you.  I believe this is a big deal for Beth, even though she may play it down.  What do you think about moving things around and coming with me to Beth’s afternoon event?  I would love to have you join me and I think it means a lot to her.  Give me a call to let me know what you think.”

THE STRATEGY

It sounds like your brother Jackson struggles with active listening, sucking less, listening for what others hear and more.  No one can simply make Jackson behave differently, but you can attempt to increase his motivation to behave differently.  To do so, pair honesty with grace: 

• Assert yourself—be direct and honest.
• Use a strictly nonjudgmental tone (never moralizing, never trying to send a message between the lines).
• Focus on building rapport (inside jokes, positive feedback) to create safe space for him to contemplate change.
• Search for and play up whatever it is that motivates him specifically (it is different for everyone, but “putting family first” is a major motivator for a lot of us).
• Model the kind of behavior you wish to see (accepting his invitation is an important gesture when you are asking the same of him).

Your tone of voice and body language make a tremendous difference when attempting to increase another person’s internal motivation to change.  The email format limits your chances of success: what one person may intend as a warm, positive statement (“You are great about making time when the family needs you”) could be read by others as pressuring and guilt-provoking.  Adding inside jokes and other personalizing touches will help, but it is always better if the other person can hear or see that you are being assertive and nonjudgmental.  A phone call or lunch out instead of an email will improve your chances of success.

Other Priorities

So far, we have only been talking about one possible priority—bolstering family support for your sister Beth. The Ownership Challenge asks you to list all of your priorities and put them in order of importance to you.  For example, you want to provide meaningful support for Beth.  You also want to learn how to process external pressures—including Jackson’s behavior—in ways that don’t leave you feeling pressured, guilty, defensive, or angry.  Perhaps you also want to avoid making any gestures that seem to support Jackson right now, or you want to avoid him altogether.  The Ghostwriter’s suggested response honors one priority but might compete with others—that is why it is so important that you choose and own a top priority.

Jackson’s invitation brought up many of your valid frustrations with him.  As you search for ways to make sense of and exert power over a complicated problem, be careful not to exaggerate the power of any one response.  Accepting this invitation does not mean you endorse all of Jackson’s bad behavior.  Accepting the invitation does not invalidate your support of Beth.  Declining the invitation does not oblige you to feel guilty, pressured, or defensive.  Nor does it oblige Jackson to feel slighted: his reaction is never fully within your control.

Regardless of your choice whether or not to attend Jackson’s dinner, there exists a wealth of ways you can act—not only react—to ensure progress toward various overarching goals.  For example, if you decide that your topmost priority is to avoid ever feeling pressured, guilty, defensive, or angry, you can seek healthy strategies to combat those feelings when they do emerge.  Taking ownership helps you manage those feelings: it is your responsibility to make choices that satisfy you, and your choices are only limited by external pressure (like a guilt trip) if you decide to give that pressure precedence over your other wants and needs.  The external pressure isn’t in charge—you are.

Click to enlarge!

Perhaps you wish to maintain a relationship with Jackson, but you also decide it isn’t your top priority to attempt to improve his behavior.  You make a conscious choice to invest your power in simply modeling healthier behavior for Jackson when you do see him.  Instead of being continually disappointed by him, you make and own the choice to interact with him, fully anticipating that you will encounter his faults.  This may seem like a subtle shift, but it is empowering to think, “My priority to maintain this relationship overrode my priority to avoid Jackson altogether, but I also choose not to take further steps to motivate him to change right now.  I can make different choices at any time.”

There are countless viable possibilities that shift depending on the order of your priorities.  You will feel less boxed-in when you take ownership of whatever way you choose to act—and react—regardless of Jackson’s choices or any other external pressures.