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| The Relationship Ghostwriter is seen here using active listening with former roommate and Seventh Vice President John C. Calhoun. The Ghostwriter is engaged: it makes eye contact and gestures with its appendages as it repeats back what it heard Calhoun say. |
How do you know when someone is listening to you? What is the physical evidence? When we were very young, our parents and teachers taught us what it meant to listen: look at the speaker, concentrate on what s/he is saying, do not interrupt. It is easy to communicate that you are listening to someone else by watching him or her quietly. Simply listening—like we did with our teachers in school or like we do now while watching television or hearing music—is a passive activity.
What makes someone a “good listener?” Once past grade school, we’re not talking about the passive act—it’s not just that someone excels at sitting quietly and looking interested while we talk. There’s more to it. In an adult relationship, a “good listener” is someone who pays careful attention to us and who responds aloud in helpful ways. Instead of calling someone a “good listener,” it is more descriptive to call him or her an “active listener.”
Active listening is more challenging than passive listening. It is a skill you must learn, like making a cake from scratch instead of using a mix. It improves dramatically with practice. The basic techniques are very straightforward, and the payoff is huge. When you use active listening, your relationships become stronger and healthier. You are able to talk about difficult things with greater ease. You are able to retain more information.
Active listening is the most efficient and effective way to communicate with another person about any topic—and especially topics that are complicated, confusing, tense, emotional, or stressful.
The 3 Elements of
Successful Active Listening
1) Be a good listener
2) Use mostly open-ended questions
3) Repeat back what you hear
1) Be a good listener
Use those grade school skills—make eye contact, sit forward, be curious and interested, and pay attention to what the speaker says instead of what you wish to say next.
2) Use mostly open-ended questions
When the other person is talking, ask him or her questions that encourage him or her to tell you more—in particular, ask questions that cannot be answered with one word (such as “yes” or “no”). Tip: try starting questions with “how,” “what,” or “why.”
NOT AS GOOD: You ask, “Did you really do that?”
BETTER: You ask, “What happened when you said that?”
NOT AS GOOD: You ask, “Are you okay?”
BETTER: You ask, “How are you doing?”
3) Repeat back what you hear
Though it may seem awkward at first, the best and most efficient way to let other people know you hear and understand them is to demonstrate it out loud by repeating back what you heard them say. Use a calm and sincere tone of voice. Let your voice go down at the end of each sentence. You are not questioning, judging, agreeing, disagreeing, or making a point—you are just demonstrating that you heard what was said.
Let’s say your roommate tells you, “I was just starting to feel confident, like I understood what this stupid class was about, and then I failed the midterm. I can’t do this anymore.” Try one or more of these types of reactions:
- REPEAT EXACT PHRASING: You say, “I’m sorry to hear that. You were just starting to feel confident.”
- PARAPHRASE IN YOUR OWN WORDS: You say, “That’s frustrating. You felt like you finally got it, but it didn’t go well.”
- REFLECT BACK EMOTIONS: You say, “I can hear how discouraged you are. This feels disastrous to you right now.”
WHY THESE WORK: A good active listener helps the speaker get everything out on the table and helps organize it. For the speaker, this is very encouraging, supportive, and calming. It provides clarity for both parties—the speaker can correct something if the listener missed the mark, or the speaker might reframe something he or she said after hearing it reflected back in someone else’s voice. For example, the speaker might react to the listener saying “This feels disastrous to you right now” by reevaluating: “Well, it did, but I know it isn’t the end of the world.”
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Relationship Alchemy The Relationship Ghostwriter consults with tutor Dmitri Mendeleev, Russian chemist and creator of the periodic table, to uncover the secrets of Conversation GOLD! |
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Active listening is an investment that pays huge dividends in all sorts of everyday interactions. Body language and tone of voice are hugely important for active listening—if you repeat back what you heard while sounding skeptical, judgmental, or insincere, you are no longer using active listening and you should be prepared for the speaker to clam up or to start arguing with you. If you throw a grenade into the conversation by, for example, muttering something sarcastic, expect an explosion!
Whenever conflict emerges—which is completely natural from time to time—all parties benefit from active listening. Though it takes additional energy to keep a cool head and use this technique during an argument, active listening gives you your best shot at having a constructive experience. Remember, just because you are a good active listener and you are able to make sure you heard accurately does not mean you agree with what the other person says. Agreeing or disagreeing has nothing to do with active listening.
You can change the tone of an argument at any point by beginning to use active listening yourself and then requesting the same of the other party. Use a calm, sincere tone and say, “I want to paraphrase what I hear you saying by just repeating it back to you to make sure I have it right. Would you do the same for me? I know it’s a little different, but that way we can know we understand each other, even if we don’t agree with each other.” Then make an attempt. Whenever you use active listening, you will create a more constructive conversation.
