“I love my wife dearly and I think we have a very solid relationship with no major problems. But it seems like we don’t know how to argue with each other, maybe because it doesn’t happen very often, luckily. But when it does happen I really get fed up with how it goes.
One of the times we typically argue is while making dinner. We are usually both tired after work, and we try to share the job of making food. (We don’t have kids yet.) Neither of us feels like taking on the whole task by ourselves, so we cook together. Nothing too complicated about that.
The problem is that we both have really strong opinions about the way things should be done, and we start bickering over stupid stuff, like how to chop an onion. We get irritated with each other. Annoyed, we’ll snap at each other, like maybe I’ll announce 'You’re too high-maintenance,' and then I’ll try to continue what I was working on.
Now she’s upset about what I said, and I realize I am too tired to get into it, so I say, 'I’m sorry, let’s move on,' but my wife always wants to stop everything and talk through how and why we bickered. So then we’re actually arguing about whether we need to argue about what happened.
I don’t see the point, I really don’t. It was stupid, we are tired, I said 'I’m sorry.' But she often latches onto one thing I said and doesn’t think I 'get it' when I simply apologize. She’s going on and on about how I need to understand why it upset her, and I’m acting more and more childish, rolling my eyes and everything, because I’m so annoyed we are still arguing when I’m really tired and just want to move on.
I want to be able to avoid submitting to a marathon relationship discussion every time we say stupid things to each other in the heat of the moment! Tell me what to say to skip the analysis. I feel like it’s no big deal in the big scheme—she knows I didn’t mean to really hurt her with what I said—so let’s move on!”
— Will G.
THE GHOSTWRITER'S RESPONSE
SHE SAYS: “You don’t understand what a big accusation ‘high maintenance’ is! I am usually completely low maintenance, and that is really offensive. We’re both micro-managing here and then you throw me under the bus to shut me up with a big card like ‘high maintenance.’ I hate it when you do that, it’s not respectful.”
YOU SAY: “I’m sorry. I can understand that. You and I are going back and forth but when I said ‘high maintenance,’ that crossed the line for you and was disrespectful. It was a low blow, and I shouldn’t have said it.”
WHAT'S NEXT: You make an affectionate gesture that works for the two of you—a hug, a warm joke, a kiss—and then say, “Will you show me how you would chop the onion?” (or some other comfortable return to the topic the original bickering was about).
YOU SAY: “I’m sorry. I can understand that. You and I are going back and forth but when I said ‘high maintenance,’ that crossed the line for you and was disrespectful. It was a low blow, and I shouldn’t have said it.”
WHAT'S NEXT: You make an affectionate gesture that works for the two of you—a hug, a warm joke, a kiss—and then say, “Will you show me how you would chop the onion?” (or some other comfortable return to the topic the original bickering was about).
THE STRATEGYWill’s assignment was not “How do I win the argument,” or “How do I avoid the argument in the first place.” The Relationship Ghostwriter admires this because it is humble and realistic. Will has a great deal of clarity about the situation and a very specific goal: Once the argument has started, and once he is ready to apologize and be done, how can he accomplish that efficiently? He feels he is trapped in a minefield and won’t get to eat his dinner and relax.
In the past, Will has said “I’m sorry” to try to get out of the minefield, and he has expressed annoyance when a simple apology didn’t fix things. Ironically, Will’s conspicuous desire to get past the argument ASAP was slowing things down for him. By continuing to talk about the conflict and saying such things as “You don’t get it,” his wife was giving him clues that she felt unheard. She is unlikely to be ready to stop talking about what happened until she feels heard and understood. Active listening is the best strategy to let someone know they have been heard and understood. (Click here to learn more about active listening and why it is so effective in many situations.)
By repeating back the key points of what his wife said to him in a sincere tone, Will gives himself the best chance of ending the argument efficiently. As a bonus, he has created an opportunity for a positive relationship-building moment in which his wife feels loved, understood, and respected.
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