THE ASSIGNMENT
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| It’s tiresome to have a third party meddling in your romance. The Relationship Ghostwriter still feels incensed upon recalling the indignity dear Peggy Eaton suffered at the hands of Mrs. John C. Calhoun during that blasted Petticoat Affair! |
For example, I'll ask Mark to come out for drinks with me,
and he'll decline because he has to study, so I leave him alone. But when Jill
asks and he declines, she'll push until he gives in. Mark has a passive
personality, and he’s admitted that he has a hard time saying no. Plus, Jill
loves the attention Mark gives her, and I'm sure Mark loves a tall, curvy
blonde giving him attention.
So far, I haven't been able to articulate my feelings on the
issue to Mark. Usually, if we’re all hanging out and I witness some
interaction, I’ll sulk. Definitely not the best way to handle the situation. Mark
will typically notice and ask if something is wrong, but I deny that there’s a
problem. Since we haven't been together very long, I'm worried that I'll come
across as insecure and jealous, or that I’ll put him in an awkward situation -
trying to please both Jill and me - and that's not altogether fair. I'm also
worried making Jill an issue gives her what she wants - to be the center of
attention and the reason that my boyfriend and I are at odds. Maybe Mark will even defend her!
I would love for Mark to stand up to Jill, if that's the
issue. Or to be as receptive to my demands as he is to hers, without me having
to turn into a nagging girlfriend! And, of course, I would love for this girl
to lay off Mark a little and realize that I'm supposed to be the main girl in
his life. I know they're friends, and I'm fine that they're close for the most
part, but she has a boyfriend! I want her to leave my boyfriend alone!”
—Jennifer
THE
GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE
Here’s one of many direct but still respectful ways to delve
into the topic of Jill with Mark.
YOU SAY: (in a
comfortable tone, alone with Mark) “Jill is really fond of you, and of course
it’s easy for me to see why. You
know, sometimes I wonder if you two would be in a relationship if it weren’t
for her boyfriend. I know that’s
an awkward thing for me to say, but it’s occurred to me before. Is it cool for me to ask you about that?”
THE STRATEGY
Your challenge is to find a satisfying balance between social grace (putting your best foot
forward) and honesty (speaking up for
what you need). Sometimes you can
do both simultaneously. Making
yourself appealing to others gets you many of the things you need. Being assertive makes you
appealing. But sometimes you must
risk making a move another person may dislike to get something you need. If you veer too far into being
appealing at the cost of being assertive, your needs will go unnoticed or
unmet.
The example above shows one of many ways you could tackle
the “Jill” problem honestly (being direct, assertive) and gracefully (being
respectful, reasonable)—a move that will usually strengthen, not damage, a
healthy relationship. But being
direct about something you want or need isn’t easy. It feels very risky socially, especially at the beginning of
a relationship. Is it worth doing?
You feel unsatisfied, so at least
it’s worth a closer look.
It’s clear that Jill is acting in bad form. And you aren’t sure about Mark’s
intentions. What can you do? Shift the focus to your choices, away from Jill’s or Mark’s. Ask yourself, “Are my actions supporting my
priorities?” To get a clear
picture of your priorities, first brainstorm a list of all the things you would
like to see come of this situation.
Maybe it starts something like this (in no particular order):
Next—and this is really
important—edit this into a list of personal
goals instead of a simple wish list.
Do this by deleting or reframing items until the list contains only that
which is specific and within your control. In other words, each item must theoretically
be achievable by you alone in the
near future. Here’s a start:
Now you have a sharper focus on what matters most to you. When you’re unsure about your goals, you
cannot commit to a strategy and you usually feel dissatisfied. For instance, you described how sulking
was unsatisfying. That’s because
you were in limbo, committed neither to being assertive nor being stoic. When you have clarity about your
priorities, it’s easier to commit and to make deliberate concessions when
necessary to accomplish what matters most.
You may come out feeling motivated to try something new, even if
that something is challenging or risky.
If you prioritize the “happy, healthy, committed relationship” standard
above all else, it may motivate you to be gracefully honest with Mark about how
his intimacy with Jill makes you feel.
If the relationship is up to your standards, he will be on your team and
will try to make things better even if you disagree and it is challenging. If he’s not on your team, that hurts,
but it’s good to know because you are unwilling to settle for a relationship
that doesn’t work for both of you.
Priorities and motivations are deeply
personal, so they will be different for everyone. What matters more than what
you choose is simply that you own the decision-making process.* Own the fact that one goal is more
important to you than another. Own
the concessions you are willing to make to achieve that goal. Deep dissatisfaction comes from feeling
powerless in the face of other people’s choices. Satisfaction and contentment come from empowering yourself
by committing to specific, achievable personal goals based on your priorities.
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* Note to readers: The
Relationship Ghostwriter is not saying it is okay to go murder someone as long
as you own the decision-making process.
If that’s what you were thinking, stop being snarky and go talk to a
spiritual advisor about Right and Wrong instead of chillin’ (yes, like a
villain) here.
