Colleague Conundrum

THE ASSIGNMENT

“My coworker ‘Anna’ has a lot of strong opinions and she is really outspoken about them. Anna’s office is down the hall from mine and we’re friendly.  We email back and forth during the day.  Anna unloads all of her problems on me and she can be really harsh about her judgments and grudges with other coworkers.

I don’t usually share her opinions of other people because I’m more easy going, and I think she jumps to a lot of conclusions and is unfair about some of the things she says.  But I don’t want to disagree with her because then she might dislike me and I’ll be the target of gossip!

So I’m stuck because it’s like all I can do is agree with what she says in the emails.  If I don’t write back, she’ll come to my office to gossip, which I think is worse because we could be overheard much more easily and I don’t want people to think I share her opinions or attitude.

Here’s part of a typical email from her:

‘Pete told me he was mad I said shut up to him when we were joking around during the staff meeting. He was laughing when I said it! He is always whiny anyway so I dont care about him. but he needs to get over it and actually what is more rude is laughing one minute with someone and tricking me into thinking you are enjoying and then later coming saying its wrong of me to say shut up and acting all serious.  I will not talk more than business to Pete anymore I guess.’

I just want to fly low and I’m willing to email with her because I want to stay friendly, but I’m worried about just agreeing with everything she says all the time.  What should I write back that will satisfy her without having to agree with her?”

— Katie

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

YOU WRITE:  “That must have been awkward.  I can imagine you felt blindsided to find out he was angry after the fact.  It caught you off guard because you thought you were joking around with Pete and he saw it differently.  I like your idea to let things cool off for a while and just keep things respectfully professional with him for now.”

WHAT NEXT:  Anna may have more to say about what happened, and she may feel the impulse to prod you for your opinion, especially because that is something she is used to getting from you in the past.  If she asks “What do you think?” point-blank, you can be both honest and graceful in declining to choose a side, such as by saying, “I wasn’t there so I can’t be the judge.  But it sounds like your personalities clashed, and I know you didn’t intend to hurt his feelings so it annoyed you when he was upset.  What has it been like talking with him since then?”

THE STRATEGY

Katie has two priorities: 1) to avoid feeling cornered into siding with Anna, and 2) to avoid disagreeing with Anna.  Katie can satisfy both priorities using active listening.

Active listening enables Anna to feel heard and understood, and it enables Katie to provide a supportive response whether or not she agrees with what Anna says.  The Ghostwriter’s suggested response only relies on what Anna wrote.  It does not add anything new, such as Katie’s own opinion of Pete or of what Anna did.  The response summarizes the key pieces of Anna’s email, including the emotions Anna communicates between the lines.

Because Katie and Anna are friends, it is important that Katie maintain an appropriately intimate tone with her words.  This can be a challenge when you are first getting used to active listening techniques—you may come off as more distant or detached than usual when you start expressing empathy (“I can imagine how annoyed you felt toward Pete”) rather than sympathy (“I am annoyed at Pete on your behalf”).

That’s why it’s important that Katie to do more than simply summarize the key points of what Anna wrote.  Anna did not spell out her emotions, but Katie can use what she already knows of Anna, along with what is written between the lines, to reflect back what she believes Anna is feeling—“That must have been awkward,” or “You felt blindsided.”  Again, Katie is not required to judge whether these were suitable responses.

Another opportunity to express encouragement is to find those things you do agree with and call attention to them.  They don’t have to be big, obvious things—in this case, the Ghostwriter suggests taking what may actually be a defeatist statement of Anna’s (“I will not talk more than business to Pete anymore I guess”) and reframing it as a constructive action (“I like your idea to let things cool off…”).

Finally, if you are asked point-blank to choose a side, you can state your reluctance or inability to do so without catastrophic effects.  Be assertive, then follow it up with an empathetic reflection of what Anna experienced and an open-ended question.  What is most likely to be of value to Anna is Katie’s caring statement of understanding and her curiosity about what Anna is dealing with.  If Anna simply wants to hear someone agree with her unconditionally, she will need to look elsewhere.

Plan to Take Ownership

THE ASSIGNMENT 

"I’m 33 and just recently began a relationship with a great guy, I’ll call him ‘Josh.’ Josh and I have only been dating for a couple months.  Everything feels right so far. 

Well, almost everything.  There is one thing that bugs me a lot and feels like it could get to be a bigger and bigger problem.  We don’t ever make plans until the last minute.  I am a person who likes a busy social life and I also just like to plan ahead for things.  For example, I enjoy a party a lot more if I have known about it a few days ahead, picked out my outfit, got to enjoy the anticipation.  Josh will come up with plans for us that are really fun, but he’ll only call me one hour before a movie or something.  Maybe he just likes to be more spontaneous.

Sometimes I’ll get in touch with Josh during the week and suggest a plan for the weekend so I will know what to expect.  That works well.  But now I am starting to resent that he never does this.  What if we end up together and I am always the one who has to make our plans?  I think that will really start to be a problem for me and I would want to know now, but it feels too soon to have some serious 'talk' with him about it, so I have started to try to give him hints that I want him to plan ahead.  Like, on a Tuesday I’ll say to him casually, 'Wow, I’ve already got plans for Friday night and Sunday afternoon!  It’s going to be a busy weekend.  It would be nice to do something with you, too.'

He doesn’t seem to get it and it isn’t working.  I know I can just make a specific plan and it will probably work and we’ll have fun, but why do I have to initiate everything? What can I do to make him see that he also needs to share the job of planning ahead?”

— Leah H.

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

If your top priority is to have Josh consistently share the work of planning activities in advance, you are most likely to succeed if you are assertive with Josh.  That means having a Serious Talk with him—“serious” because you will be asking him to adopt a new behavior.  Here’s how you can assert your wish to Josh and possibly influence him to make a habit of sharing the planning.


SETUP:  You find a moment when you are in the midst of a warm, comfortable exchange with Josh, ideally about the last plan you made together and enjoyed.  You speak in a serious but comfortable tone of voice.

YOU SAY:  “You’ve probably noticed that I’m the kind of person who likes to plan things in advance.  I want to be honest about something.  I am starting to find myself wishing you would call me with a plan in mind a few days before the weekend.  I would really love that.  But I certainly don’t want to impose an awkward obligation on you.  How do you feel about it?”

WHAT'S NEXT?  Josh may handle this moment with ease, or he may act uncomfortable.  He may ask questions because he needs clarification.  Inside jokes and physical gestures of affection can be wonderful icebreakers if things feel too unnatural.  If he is resistant or dodges (like, “Yeah, I don’t know, I’m just really tired during the week”), you will need to decide how important it is to you to continue trying—is your priority still to get him to adopt the new behavior or to resume the comfort of things as they were before?  Each choice you make will bring up new choices, so identifying your priorities will be really helpful.  That brings us to the strategy for today.

THE STRATEGY

Leah’s instinct was to avoid a Serious Talk during the vulnerable beginning stages of a relationship.  At the same time, asserting herself will be the most efficient, effective, and sustainable way to influence Josh to start planning ahead if he is willing to do so.  Leah will derive the most satisfaction from whatever choice she makes if she takes a moment to consider her priorities, which will empower her to own whatever choice she makes.

Three competing priorities show up in Leah's submission:

• Knowing of plans at least a couple of days in advance

• Ensuring that those with whom she socializes share the job of making plans in advance (this reframes Leah’s statement that “Josh also needs to share the job of planning ahead”—something no action of hers can guarantee because it is Josh’s choice—into something she could theoretically achieve, even if the worst-case scenario is ending relationships if the other parties do not accommodate)

• Not putting strain on this relationship with a Serious Talk (involving a request for Josh to change) when the relationship is still new

Leah has been frustrated so far trying to accommodate all three of these priorities at once.  (The last two priorities compete with each other and cannot be accomplished at the same time without the use of passive behavior, which has very low odds of producing long-term satisfaction.)

The Relationship Ghostwriter strategizing with trusted

friend and confidant, Founding Father George Wythe,

"Virginia's foremost classical scholar." [1]

Identifying which priority has the greatest importance and knowing she cannot accommodate all three will empower Leah by giving her clarity about what she most wants to see happen.  Perhaps Leah feels that “knowing of plans at least a couple of days in advance” is most important.

Now Leah has focus.  Having one priority motivates her to turn down the volume on competing concerns.  She had success in the past when she chose to initiate plans in advance, but she worried that doing so would become burdensome.  Now she can reframe things: rather than it being a burden to take on the responsibility of planning ahead, taking on the job of planning ahead is insurance that her top priority will be achieved.

Alternately, Leah could feel most strongly about a different priority, “Ensuring that those with whom she socializes share the job of making plans in advance.”  This would dramatically change her focus from the planning itself to the burden of planning—it is most important to her that she not be the only one to make plans.  She wishes to be surrounded by people who are willing and able to plan ahead.  Now it seems very important to have a Serious Talk with Josh as soon as possible, because it is vital that she know whether he will ever be able to share in the advance plan-making.

Finally, if the third priority in the list--the comfort of the relationship--takes top priority, Leah will want to set aside other concerns for a later time when the relationship is more firmly established.  She will think to herself, “I’m willing to be the planner for now and I don't resent that because my top priority is to see how my relationship with Josh will progress without any extra stressors yet.  Someday, if it still concerns me, I will find the right opportunity to talk it over with Josh.”  When that day comes, Leah is likely to have a fresh set of choices and priorities to consider—something she is well-equipped to handle if she takes ownership of her choices then as she has done this time.

In all three cases, Leah’s mental framework shifts when she takes personal responsibility for her chosen priority and its consequences.  She has a greater sense of control in the situation and she puts herself in the driver’s seat.  Instead of growing to resent Josh over time because of his choices or becoming frustrated by trying to satisfy all of her conflicting priorities at once, she feels able to strategize and adjust based on a clear sense of what matters most to her at any given moment.  She answers to herself first and thereby puts herself in charge of her own happiness. 

Escape the Argument Minefield

THE ASSIGNMENT 

“I love my wife dearly and I think we have a very solid relationship with no major problems.  But it seems like we don’t know how to argue with each other, maybe because it doesn’t happen very often, luckily.  But when it does happen I really get fed up with how it goes.

One of the times we typically argue is while making dinner.  We are usually both tired after work, and we try to share the job of making food.  (We don’t have kids yet.)  Neither of us feels like taking on the whole task by ourselves, so we cook together.  Nothing too complicated about that.

The problem is that we both have really strong opinions about the way things should be done, and we start bickering over stupid stuff, like how to chop an onion.  We get irritated with each other.  Annoyed, we’ll snap at each other, like maybe I’ll announce 'You’re too high-maintenance,' and then I’ll try to continue what I was working on.

Now she’s upset about what I said, and I realize I am too tired to get into it, so I say, 'I’m sorry, let’s move on,' but my wife always wants to stop everything and talk through how and why we bickered.  So then we’re actually arguing about whether we need to argue about what happened.

I don’t see the point, I really don’t.  It was stupid, we are tired, I said 'I’m sorry.'  But she often latches onto one thing I said and doesn’t think I 'get it' when I simply apologize.  She’s going on and on about how I need to understand why it upset her, and I’m acting more and more childish, rolling my eyes and everything, because I’m so annoyed we are still arguing when I’m really tired and just want to move on. 

I want to be able to avoid submitting to a marathon relationship discussion every time we say stupid things to each other in the heat of the moment!  Tell me what to say to skip the analysis.  I feel like it’s no big deal in the big scheme—she knows I didn’t mean to really hurt her with what I said—so let’s move on!”

— Will G.

THE GHOSTWRITER'S RESPONSE

SETUP:  Your wife has become upset and is explaining to you why she is upset.  You are going to stop what you are doing and apologize.  You are also going to repeat back what you hear, making eye contact and using a serious but calm tone of voice.

SHE SAYS:  “You don’t understand what a big accusation ‘high maintenance’ is!  I am usually completely low maintenance, and that is really offensive.  We’re both micro-managing here and then you throw me under the bus to shut me up with a big card like ‘high maintenance.’  I hate it when you do that, it’s not respectful.”


YOU SAY:  “I’m sorry.  I can understand that.  You and I are going back and forth but when I said ‘high maintenance,’ that crossed the line for you and was disrespectful.  It was a low blow, and I shouldn’t have said it.”


WHAT'S NEXT:  You make an affectionate gesture that works for the two of you—a hug, a warm joke, a kiss—and then say, “Will you show me how you would chop the onion?” (or some other comfortable return to the topic the original bickering was about).

THE STRATEGY
Will’s assignment was not “How do I win the argument,” or “How do I avoid the argument in the first place.”  The Relationship Ghostwriter admires this because it is humble and realistic.  Will has a great deal of clarity about the situation and a very specific goal: Once the argument has started, and once he is ready to apologize and be done, how can he accomplish that efficiently?  He feels he is trapped in a minefield and won’t get to eat his dinner and relax.

In the past, Will has said “I’m sorry” to try to get out of the minefield, and he has expressed annoyance when a simple apology didn’t fix things.  Ironically, Will’s conspicuous desire to get past the argument ASAP was slowing things down for him.  By continuing to talk about the conflict and saying such things as “You don’t get it,” his wife was giving him clues that she felt unheard.  She is unlikely to be ready to stop talking about what happened until she feels heard and understood.  Active listening is the best strategy to let someone know they have been heard and understood.  (Click here to learn more about active listening and why it is so effective in many situations.)

By repeating back the key points of what his wife said to him in a sincere tone, Will gives himself the best chance of ending the argument efficiently.  As a bonus, he has created an opportunity for a positive relationship-building moment in which his wife feels loved, understood, and respected.