Colleague Conundrum

THE ASSIGNMENT

“My coworker ‘Anna’ has a lot of strong opinions and she is really outspoken about them. Anna’s office is down the hall from mine and we’re friendly.  We email back and forth during the day.  Anna unloads all of her problems on me and she can be really harsh about her judgments and grudges with other coworkers.

I don’t usually share her opinions of other people because I’m more easy going, and I think she jumps to a lot of conclusions and is unfair about some of the things she says.  But I don’t want to disagree with her because then she might dislike me and I’ll be the target of gossip!

So I’m stuck because it’s like all I can do is agree with what she says in the emails.  If I don’t write back, she’ll come to my office to gossip, which I think is worse because we could be overheard much more easily and I don’t want people to think I share her opinions or attitude.

Here’s part of a typical email from her:

‘Pete told me he was mad I said shut up to him when we were joking around during the staff meeting. He was laughing when I said it! He is always whiny anyway so I dont care about him. but he needs to get over it and actually what is more rude is laughing one minute with someone and tricking me into thinking you are enjoying and then later coming saying its wrong of me to say shut up and acting all serious.  I will not talk more than business to Pete anymore I guess.’

I just want to fly low and I’m willing to email with her because I want to stay friendly, but I’m worried about just agreeing with everything she says all the time.  What should I write back that will satisfy her without having to agree with her?”

— Katie

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

YOU WRITE:  “That must have been awkward.  I can imagine you felt blindsided to find out he was angry after the fact.  It caught you off guard because you thought you were joking around with Pete and he saw it differently.  I like your idea to let things cool off for a while and just keep things respectfully professional with him for now.”

WHAT NEXT:  Anna may have more to say about what happened, and she may feel the impulse to prod you for your opinion, especially because that is something she is used to getting from you in the past.  If she asks “What do you think?” point-blank, you can be both honest and graceful in declining to choose a side, such as by saying, “I wasn’t there so I can’t be the judge.  But it sounds like your personalities clashed, and I know you didn’t intend to hurt his feelings so it annoyed you when he was upset.  What has it been like talking with him since then?”

THE STRATEGY

Katie has two priorities: 1) to avoid feeling cornered into siding with Anna, and 2) to avoid disagreeing with Anna.  Katie can satisfy both priorities using active listening.

Active listening enables Anna to feel heard and understood, and it enables Katie to provide a supportive response whether or not she agrees with what Anna says.  The Ghostwriter’s suggested response only relies on what Anna wrote.  It does not add anything new, such as Katie’s own opinion of Pete or of what Anna did.  The response summarizes the key pieces of Anna’s email, including the emotions Anna communicates between the lines.

Because Katie and Anna are friends, it is important that Katie maintain an appropriately intimate tone with her words.  This can be a challenge when you are first getting used to active listening techniques—you may come off as more distant or detached than usual when you start expressing empathy (“I can imagine how annoyed you felt toward Pete”) rather than sympathy (“I am annoyed at Pete on your behalf”).

That’s why it’s important that Katie to do more than simply summarize the key points of what Anna wrote.  Anna did not spell out her emotions, but Katie can use what she already knows of Anna, along with what is written between the lines, to reflect back what she believes Anna is feeling—“That must have been awkward,” or “You felt blindsided.”  Again, Katie is not required to judge whether these were suitable responses.

Another opportunity to express encouragement is to find those things you do agree with and call attention to them.  They don’t have to be big, obvious things—in this case, the Ghostwriter suggests taking what may actually be a defeatist statement of Anna’s (“I will not talk more than business to Pete anymore I guess”) and reframing it as a constructive action (“I like your idea to let things cool off…”).

Finally, if you are asked point-blank to choose a side, you can state your reluctance or inability to do so without catastrophic effects.  Be assertive, then follow it up with an empathetic reflection of what Anna experienced and an open-ended question.  What is most likely to be of value to Anna is Katie’s caring statement of understanding and her curiosity about what Anna is dealing with.  If Anna simply wants to hear someone agree with her unconditionally, she will need to look elsewhere.