Losing Battle

THE ASSIGNMENT

“What do you say when you want to end a stupid argument where one person is saying, 'My way is always right' and the other person is saying, 'People have different opinions and that's cool?' I had a weird conversation with a guy who sometimes hangs out with my friends. Hw was saying that people shouldn't worry so much about monogamy and should have open marriages. I was saying, okay, but I personally wouldn’t like that, and he said I wasn't open-minded enough, and I said why can't this just be a personal decision? He just would not give up on it and made me out to seem like I’m extremely close-minded. I’m not.  I’m saying, sure, cool, YOU can have an open marriage and I won't, why isn't that fine?

How do I stop this stupid fight when I am not really arguing that much, but I'm also not going to agree with him as much as he wants? This was just a hypothetical debate. It would have been cool with me to have an intellectual conversation with him and to agree to disagree, but instead he just wants to win and he made it personal. I ended by just telling him to stop wasting my time and forcing his ideas on everyone, but now he's always rolling his eyes at me and making jokes about how old-school and delicate I am.”

—Tina

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

SETUP: When any conversation has stopped being constructive—like when a friendly hypothetical debate turn into a winner-take-all showdown—it is as though you are playing a game of cards and the rules have suddenly changed.  Now you’re being asked to bet real money instead of count imaginary points.  A common mistake is to keep playing the game with the hopes of steering it back to its original rules.  Instead, the most efficient (and sometimes only) way out is to stop playing the game altogether.  This can take the form of simply walking away, or using active listening to deescalate the argument, like so:

HE SAYS: “Your argument for monogamy is outdated and speaks to a naïve view of modern relationships.”

YOU SAY: (in a relaxed tone with your voice going down at the end of the sentences) “So, you see open marriages as the healthier approach.  Monogamy is old-fashioned in your eyes.  I follow what you’re saying.”  Then change the topic—shift it to something sort of related but lightweight (“Oh, have you ever seen that show about the family with 20 kids?”).  Don’t try to score any additional points—it’s a never-ending battle.

WHAT NEXT: Some people just really want to argue—scoring points in this game makes them feel good in this moment, and you happen to be present.  He may plow ahead no matter what you do.  You can always walk away.  But, if you stay put and stick to pure active listening, he’ll have a really hard time continuing to debate with you—you’re giving him nothing to push back against.  If he accuses you of patronizing him by only summarizing what he is saying, just say warmly, “I see how it could sound that way.  I’m just not in the mood to debate, so instead I’m listening carefully and making sure I get what you’re saying.”

THE STRATEGY

If you are talking a lot about Side B—filling up that
side of the scale—the person you are talking to will
probably feel an impulse to balance things out by
talking more about Side A.

It’s very challenging to keep your cool when someone else steers a conversation into an argument—especially when it feels personal. You may view the other party as acting unreasonable or unfair.  You want your logical arguments to get through.  In spite of all this, the most effective strategy to end your aggravation is to avoid providing any points of resistance whatsoever.  In fact, this is a highly effective strategy whether your goal is to deescalate an argument or to influence someone to see a new perspective.

If you use active listening to talk about Side A
with the other person, they will feel less of an
impulse to keep emphasizing that one side. They
may even offer a few arguments for Side B to
keep things balanced.

It doesn’t matter whether you are creating resistance by yelling out your opinion, very calmly and detachedly playing devil’s advocate, or caringly trying to help the other person look at a new perspective.  If the other person hears anything that counters what he is thinking or feeling, he will become more committed to his opinion.  Our brains seek balance as they try to make sense of the world, so if you are advocating for one perspective, the other person’s brain is most likely working on an alternate view.

When you listen actively and avoid arguing (which, by the way, has nothing to do with whether you agree or disagree), you leave the other person alone with the task of finding balance—you’re no longer adding any of your own weight to their mental scale.  Every now and then, this may even prompt the other person to start voicing some of the arguments you were tempted to make!

So, active listening can help you get out of a dead-end argument, but what about this guy rolling his eyes and teasing you after the fact?  He’s getting something out of that—perhaps he thinks he’s being funny or he’s trying to ruffle your feathers.  In any case, don’t reward the behavior by giving him predictable feedback.  If anything, act politely confused, as though he has the wrong person.  This will be uncomfortably awkward for him.  He may move on.  Or he may remind you of the debate, at which point you just say cheerfully but without genuine amusement, “Oh, yes, I remember that!  Very funny!”  Then quickly shift topics.  The awkwardness and failure of the joke to land may be enough to discourage him from trying the same tactic again.

Playing Mean

THE ASSIGNMENT

You can’t always predict what will offend someone. The Relationship
Ghostwriter had to find out the hard way that Seventh Vice President
and sometimes-adversary John C. Calhoun finds mid-afternoon coffee
breaks "disrespectful and intemperate."

“I am a social worker. Recently, one of my bosses, Jill, ran a training exercise for our staff. We had to take little quizzes in which the moderator was either really nice and supportive, neutral, or mean and rude. We were learning about the impact of our attitude on our clients.

Jill asked me to help her run this exercise by playing the rude person. This is not natural. I try to be a nice guy all the time. But I was willing to help, with Jill reassuring me that she would explain to my co-workers that she had specifically instructed me to pretend to be a jerk. When we did the exercise, most people got a kick out of watching me try to act like a big meanie because I’m usually a goofball. They laughed and had fun.

But one co-worker, Mary, had her feelings hurt! Playing my assigned role, I had told her something like, ‘Shut up and do your quiz.’ She did not say anything to me, but later she went to a mutual friend at work and CRIED because I was rude to her! The mutual friend came to me with Mary’s permission, trying to help by letting me know what happened.

I am mortified! I hate that I made someone feel bad. I am also, frankly, annoyed at Mary that she didn’t grasp what everyone else did--that I had been instructed by our boss to act awful for this exercise. She gave me no benefit of the doubt based on all the years I have been friendly to her. What on earth am I supposed to do or say? I want to fix this, but at the same time I’d almost rather quit my job than interact with Mary again, it’s so awkward.”

—Nick

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: It is important that you have a respectful face-to-face talk with Mary in private as soon as possible. If it feels too awkward to approach Mary on your own, consider asking someone you trust to help facilitate the conversation—maybe your boss Jill or your mutual friend.  When you talk to Mary, your goal is to be gracefully honest.

YOU SAY: “Our friend let me know that you felt hurt after I was rude to you during the exercise.  I feel so sorry and mortified to hear that I offended you.  That’s the last thing I would want, and I’m just so sorry I caused you to be upset.”

WHAT NEXT: You can also honor your need to explain that you had no intention of hurting Mary.  Say, “It’s very important to me that you know this was not personal. I would never behave so rudely toward you or anyone in normal circumstances.  I was in an awkward position, having been instructed to be rude to everyone as a part of the exercise.  It was really uncomfortable for me, and I hate that it had this effect on you.”

THE STRATEGY

This is a very awkward situation, and your conflicting responses make perfect sense—on the one hand, you feel compassionate remorse, while, on the other hand, you feel unfairly condemned, a victim of circumstance.  Poor Mary... but, at the same time, how dare she? 

It is great that you can identify these conflicting emotions.  As always, you have many choices.  For example, you could do nothing, or you could express to your friend that Mary is being unfair and hope it gets back to her, or you could complain to your boss that she put you in this position and needs make it right.  Take ownership and identify your priorities to narrow down your choices.  In your submission, you emphasize being kind to others, and you say you want to “fix this.”  If you choose to focus on those priorities, a direct meaningful apology to Mary lays the best groundwork for a constructive, respectful, and prompt resolution.

Apologize simply, sincerely, and non-judgmentally.  If you have information you want to share, explain yourself without making excuses: in other words, do not present facts as counterweights to the pain someone else experienced.  Share your truth, make your apology, listen respectfully, and then be finished.  You are not required to hash it out for hours or act awkward around Mary.  One meaningful apology satisfies your obligation.

Sometimes it feels unfair that someone who misunderstood your intent gets to receive your apology.  It may make it more palatable to remember that, from time to time, every single one of us will cause offense or harm in spite of our best intentions.  Intention isn’t everything.  You don’t lose anything by making a meaningful apology.  You have a lot to lose if you turn a blind eye to what happened or if you become paralyzed by your shame.

Intention isn’t everything, but it is important.  You feel mortified because, despite your good intentions, you had a part in making someone else upset.  It shook your confidence, and it’s natural to feel shaken.  But don’t fall into the trap of globalizing one bad experience.  One person had a negative reaction to what you did.  Everyone else seems to have benefitted from what you did.  You were acting with good intentions, doing your best to help your boss and your co-workers.  You cannot control everyone’s reactions—Mary surprised you this time.  We are imperfect.  Our relationships are imperfect.  Be generous and forgiving with Mary—and with yourself.