Playing Mean

THE ASSIGNMENT

You can’t always predict what will offend someone. The Relationship
Ghostwriter had to find out the hard way that Seventh Vice President
and sometimes-adversary John C. Calhoun finds mid-afternoon coffee
breaks "disrespectful and intemperate."

“I am a social worker. Recently, one of my bosses, Jill, ran a training exercise for our staff. We had to take little quizzes in which the moderator was either really nice and supportive, neutral, or mean and rude. We were learning about the impact of our attitude on our clients.

Jill asked me to help her run this exercise by playing the rude person. This is not natural. I try to be a nice guy all the time. But I was willing to help, with Jill reassuring me that she would explain to my co-workers that she had specifically instructed me to pretend to be a jerk. When we did the exercise, most people got a kick out of watching me try to act like a big meanie because I’m usually a goofball. They laughed and had fun.

But one co-worker, Mary, had her feelings hurt! Playing my assigned role, I had told her something like, ‘Shut up and do your quiz.’ She did not say anything to me, but later she went to a mutual friend at work and CRIED because I was rude to her! The mutual friend came to me with Mary’s permission, trying to help by letting me know what happened.

I am mortified! I hate that I made someone feel bad. I am also, frankly, annoyed at Mary that she didn’t grasp what everyone else did--that I had been instructed by our boss to act awful for this exercise. She gave me no benefit of the doubt based on all the years I have been friendly to her. What on earth am I supposed to do or say? I want to fix this, but at the same time I’d almost rather quit my job than interact with Mary again, it’s so awkward.”

—Nick

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: It is important that you have a respectful face-to-face talk with Mary in private as soon as possible. If it feels too awkward to approach Mary on your own, consider asking someone you trust to help facilitate the conversation—maybe your boss Jill or your mutual friend.  When you talk to Mary, your goal is to be gracefully honest.

YOU SAY: “Our friend let me know that you felt hurt after I was rude to you during the exercise.  I feel so sorry and mortified to hear that I offended you.  That’s the last thing I would want, and I’m just so sorry I caused you to be upset.”

WHAT NEXT: You can also honor your need to explain that you had no intention of hurting Mary.  Say, “It’s very important to me that you know this was not personal. I would never behave so rudely toward you or anyone in normal circumstances.  I was in an awkward position, having been instructed to be rude to everyone as a part of the exercise.  It was really uncomfortable for me, and I hate that it had this effect on you.”

THE STRATEGY

This is a very awkward situation, and your conflicting responses make perfect sense—on the one hand, you feel compassionate remorse, while, on the other hand, you feel unfairly condemned, a victim of circumstance.  Poor Mary... but, at the same time, how dare she? 

It is great that you can identify these conflicting emotions.  As always, you have many choices.  For example, you could do nothing, or you could express to your friend that Mary is being unfair and hope it gets back to her, or you could complain to your boss that she put you in this position and needs make it right.  Take ownership and identify your priorities to narrow down your choices.  In your submission, you emphasize being kind to others, and you say you want to “fix this.”  If you choose to focus on those priorities, a direct meaningful apology to Mary lays the best groundwork for a constructive, respectful, and prompt resolution.

Apologize simply, sincerely, and non-judgmentally.  If you have information you want to share, explain yourself without making excuses: in other words, do not present facts as counterweights to the pain someone else experienced.  Share your truth, make your apology, listen respectfully, and then be finished.  You are not required to hash it out for hours or act awkward around Mary.  One meaningful apology satisfies your obligation.

Sometimes it feels unfair that someone who misunderstood your intent gets to receive your apology.  It may make it more palatable to remember that, from time to time, every single one of us will cause offense or harm in spite of our best intentions.  Intention isn’t everything.  You don’t lose anything by making a meaningful apology.  You have a lot to lose if you turn a blind eye to what happened or if you become paralyzed by your shame.

Intention isn’t everything, but it is important.  You feel mortified because, despite your good intentions, you had a part in making someone else upset.  It shook your confidence, and it’s natural to feel shaken.  But don’t fall into the trap of globalizing one bad experience.  One person had a negative reaction to what you did.  Everyone else seems to have benefitted from what you did.  You were acting with good intentions, doing your best to help your boss and your co-workers.  You cannot control everyone’s reactions—Mary surprised you this time.  We are imperfect.  Our relationships are imperfect.  Be generous and forgiving with Mary—and with yourself.