Ever get tired of trying to come up with the right thing to say in that frustrating interaction with your friend, spouse, co-worker, neighbor, or roommate? Wish someone else could figure out how to reply to that crazy email or phone message you received? Let the Relationship Ghostwriter take some of the pressure off by crafting your next response for you. (Click here to find out more about the Relationship Ghostwriter.)

Hierarchy Malarkey

Fig. 1) What not to do:
Passive behavior means bypassing your own wants and
needs to accommodate others. So, if the crocodile asks
for half your pie, you quickly hand over the whole pie.
THE ASSIGNMENT
“I have been working at a large organization for the past five years, and recently a new manager was put in charge of my unit with few technical skills and largely for political reasons. This person is not in the least qualified for the position, and, in addition, he constantly tries to put me down so he can appear more qualified. It seems to me that he is most interested in 'winning' a discussion and demonstrating his power over me. I work in a highly respected organization in which meritocracy is the standard, but where political appointments of this nature can occur.

I would like to be able to stand up to my new boss when he is technically wrong on issues, but not to the point that I put my own job at risk. In the past I tend to find ways to accommodate those who criticize or take advantage of me. I have not been very assertive, but would certainly like to become more so. I want to be honest and hold my ground. I have been told in the past that I am ‘too nice’ to get ahead. Only rarely do I insist on an argument to the point that my boss would be willing to change his mind. 

How does one treat an incompetent boss respectfully without condoning his incompetence?”

—Mr. Nice


Fig. 2) What not to do:
Passive-aggressive behavior means acting simultaneously
compliant and displeased. So, if the crocodile asks for
half your pie, you comply by giving him half, but you
roll your eyes while you do it.
THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: Here’s what you do to lay the groundwork to be well received when you respectfully assert yourself at work: 1) maintain a clear, strong sense of your personal principles and boundaries, and 2) cultivate affable relationships with your colleagues.  Putting a little energy into these two strategies every day sets you up to be more comfortable and persuasive when asserting your wants and needs.  For example, let’s say your boss makes a declaration that doesn’t work for you during a meeting, and you want to assert yourself:

HE SAYS: “Okay, so we can all agree that the sky is green, yes?  As of today, we are going to launch a new campaign centered on this fact.”

YOU SAY: (in a collaborative, unanxious tone) “Can we pause for a moment?  I have serious concerns about saying the sky is green.  I actually have an entirely different view.  I believe the sky is blue, and I’m going to have a hard time reconciling both ideas.”

WHAT NEXT: The affable relationships you have cultivated paired with the way you consistently keep to your principles will increase the probability that the group will value what you have to say and begin a constructive conversation about the issue at hand.  If, in spite of everything, your dysfunctional boss stays true to form and only wants to argue with you, you are not obliged to play that win/lose game with him.  Use active listening to let him feel heard without having to agree or disagree.  Keep the Ownership Challenge in mind as you decide how far you are willing to go to try to persuade him to change.


Fig. 3) What not to do:
Aggressive behavior means overcompensating for
your wants and needs. So, if the crocodile asks for half
your pie, you—outraged that he wants more than just
a slice—throw the whole pie in his face.
THE STRATEGY
Being under the authority of someone you believe to be incompetent or dysfunctional is extraordinarily frustrating.  There’s no perfect solution, but assertiveness certainly helps.  Being assertive does not mean being unaccommodating, disrespectful, or insubordinate; on the contrary, in a functional work environment, assertiveness is the most respectful and effective communication style.  (For more on communication styles, click here.)

Why are boundaries and affability such important foundations for assertiveness?  Imagine the ideal competent co-worker.  This person works hard.  He also takes the time to know you personally.  He doesn’t just say, “How are you?” in a friendly way—he remembers a few specific things, like, “How did the barbecue go?”  Imagine that this guy is also very consistent—you can rely on him to produce great work, and you can expect to hit a brick wall if you attempt to manipulate or bully him.  You like this person because you don’t have to worry about him—he is a solid team member, he is personable, and he will look after his own wants and needs.

Fig. 4) What TO do:
Assertive behavior means respectfully taking care
of your own wants and needs—nothing more, nothing
less. So, if the crocodile asks for half your pie, you tell
him you can’t give him that much, but you’ll be happy
to share a slice. You’re both winners!
Now imagine this person sitting in a meeting.  Here’s where all his work pays off: it is really hard to be a jerk to this guy.  Not only do you respect and like him—you aren’t able to take advantage of him.  Treating him with disrespect or wasting his time with an unreasonable argument would earn you the disapproval of the rest of the team.  And it’s not just because he’s nice—he’s likable and assertive.

None of us is so perfect and consistent all the time.  But keeping a model in mind, real or imagined, is a helpful strategy as you work on breaking old habits—you can check in with what your model might do if you feel stuck accommodating when you’d rather be asserting.  Unfortunately, being more assertive doesn’t guarantee your boss will ever change or improve—that is not fully within your control.  What you will gain instead is the assurance that your own wants and needs are a priority, leaving you more satisfied at the end of the day and better able to deal with your boss’s nonsense tomorrow.

Summer Love?

The Relationship Ghostwriter loves to get some sun in
the summertime.  It likes to have that off-white glow.
THE ASSIGNMENT
“I was going out with a guy, who I’ll call Dan, during the last three months or so. We are students at the same university. Things were getting pretty serious. We were seeing each other just about every day and we had a fun, relaxed vibe together. We acted like a couple, but we didn’t talk about being in a relationship. Now that school is out, we’ve both gone home to different states for the summer.

I didn’t talk to Dan about staying in touch.  I just assumed we would. The trouble is, Dan hasn’t called, emailed, texted… nothing! I haven’t heard from him at all for a month! I know he’s fine because he’s been on facebook. I don’t know if this is just normal for him or if he’s trying to distance himself from me. I don’t want the relationship to end, and I don’t want to wait for next semester to get back in touch. What should I do? I am not high maintenance and I don’t want to come off as desperate. But I’m not really into this ‘out of sight, out of mind’ thing either.”

—Cara


THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: What if Dan were your brother, cousin, or a good friend from high school?  In other words, let’s say Dan is someone you have a warm, close relationship with but don’t necessarily talk to all the time.  How would you get back in touch after a month?  You wouldn’t spend a lot of time wondering if he wanted to hear from you or not, or worrying you might seem high-maintenance.  You would share an inside joke, share a funny story, briefly say how you’ve been, and ask how he’s been.  You would assume he thought fondly of you.  Try to get into that frame of mind and send a simple friendly email. 

YOU WRITE: Jump right in with a funny story or inside joke, like this: “Guess what happened yesterday?!  I saw a woman wearing a cape!”  (Or whatever.  Share a story however you normally would with Dan.)  Next, something quick about how you’re doing—for instance, “I’m loving being a lifeguard.  You wouldn’t believe what I get paid to sit there in the sun and announce adult swims!”  (Obviously, personalize this for you… or Dan will have you institutionalized.)  Finally, ask how he is.  For example, “So how are you?  How’s the internship?”  Keep the tone natural, the email brief, and, most important, don’t try to send any pressuring messages between the lines.

WHAT NEXT: Dan may write back and stay in touch as you’d hoped.  He may write back and then fall out of touch again.  He may not write back at all.  Unfortunately, when any relationship is in its early stages—before you feel completely free to share any and all worries or frustrations—it’s really hard to know what to do about even simple differences in your personalities.  Having a clear sense of your personal priorities will serve you well right now—as will having confidence in yourself and patience.


THE STRATEGY
Sending a brief, friendly email using whatever tone is most fun and natural for you is a good way to open the door for Dan to get back in touch.  Some people are very low-key about staying in touch when they’re away, regardless of how they feel.  Of course there’s a chance that Dan doesn’t want a serious relationship, or, worst case, that he is trying to distance himself from you.  On the other hand, here’s a best-case scenario: Dan is just caught up in being back home and feels so comfortable and happy with you that he hasn’t worried about being out of touch.  Your friendly email provides Dan an easy and appealing way to reestablish contact, and it provides you a chance to learn more about Dan.

Click to enlarge!
What if Dan is out of touch all summer?  What if he remains hard to read?  This is where your personal priorities become so important.  Take the Ownership Challenge to sort out what, if anything, you want to do about this now.  Think carefully about what is most important to you.  If it feels most important to be in a romantic relationship this summer, perhaps Dan isn’t the best candidate.  If it is your priority to see where things go with Dan, fostering healthy self-confidence will help give you patience as you wait to find out what he has in mind.  There are many other choices for each priority, and many other possible priorities.  Take your time.  There’s no wrong answer—what matters is owning your options.

Here’s a great general priority to keep in mind when beginning any relationship: be your favorite version of yourself.  All of us do at least a little shape-shifting as we interact with different people—a grandparent brings out certain facets of our personality, while a rude boss brings out others.  When does your own personal favorite version of yourself come out?  How would that person respond to Dan in this and other situations?  If Dan is the right guy, the two of you will get along best when you are yourself—that is, when you act in ways that let you feel like your favorite, most content, most happy version of yourself.