![]() |
Fig. 1) What not to do: Passive behavior means bypassing your own wants and needs to accommodate others. So, if the crocodile asks for half your pie, you quickly hand over the whole pie. |
“I have been working at a large organization for the past five years, and recently a new manager was put in charge of my unit with few technical skills and largely for political reasons. This person is not in the least qualified for the position, and, in addition, he constantly tries to put me down so he can appear more qualified. It seems to me that he is most interested in 'winning' a discussion and demonstrating his power over me. I work in a highly respected organization in which meritocracy is the standard, but where political appointments of this nature can occur.
I would like to be able to stand up to my new boss when he is technically wrong on issues, but not to the point that I put my own job at risk. In the past I tend to find ways to accommodate those who criticize or take advantage of me. I have not been very assertive, but would certainly like to become more so. I want to be honest and hold my ground. I have been told in the past that I am ‘too nice’ to get ahead. Only rarely do I insist on an argument to the point that my boss would be willing to change his mind.
How does one treat an incompetent boss respectfully without condoning his incompetence?”
—Mr. Nice
THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE
THE SETUP: Here’s what you do to lay the groundwork to be well received when you respectfully assert yourself at work: 1) maintain a clear, strong sense of your personal principles and boundaries, and 2) cultivate affable relationships with your colleagues. Putting a little energy into these two strategies every day sets you up to be more comfortable and persuasive when asserting your wants and needs. For example, let’s say your boss makes a declaration that doesn’t work for you during a meeting, and you want to assert yourself:
HE SAYS: “Okay, so we can all agree that the sky is green, yes? As of today, we are going to launch a new campaign centered on this fact.”
YOU SAY: (in a collaborative, unanxious tone) “Can we pause for a moment? I have serious concerns about saying the sky is green. I actually have an entirely different view. I believe the sky is blue, and I’m going to have a hard time reconciling both ideas.”
WHAT NEXT: The affable relationships you have cultivated paired with the way you consistently keep to your principles will increase the probability that the group will value what you have to say and begin a constructive conversation about the issue at hand. If, in spite of everything, your dysfunctional boss stays true to form and only wants to argue with you, you are not obliged to play that win/lose game with him. Use active listening to let him feel heard without having to agree or disagree. Keep the Ownership Challenge in mind as you decide how far you are willing to go to try to persuade him to change.
THE STRATEGY
Being under the authority of someone you believe to be incompetent or dysfunctional is extraordinarily frustrating. There’s no perfect solution, but assertiveness certainly helps. Being assertive does not mean being unaccommodating, disrespectful, or insubordinate; on the contrary, in a functional work environment, assertiveness is the most respectful and effective communication style. (For more on communication styles, click here.)
Why are boundaries and affability such important foundations for assertiveness? Imagine the ideal competent co-worker. This person works hard. He also takes the time to know you personally. He doesn’t just say, “How are you?” in a friendly way—he remembers a few specific things, like, “How did the barbecue go?” Imagine that this guy is also very consistent—you can rely on him to produce great work, and you can expect to hit a brick wall if you attempt to manipulate or bully him. You like this person because you don’t have to worry about him—he is a solid team member, he is personable, and he will look after his own wants and needs.
Now imagine this person sitting in a meeting. Here’s where all his work pays off: it is really hard to be a jerk to this guy. Not only do you respect and like him—you aren’t able to take advantage of him. Treating him with disrespect or wasting his time with an unreasonable argument would earn you the disapproval of the rest of the team. And it’s not just because he’s nice—he’s likable and assertive.
None of us is so perfect and consistent all the time. But keeping a model in mind, real or imagined, is a helpful strategy as you work on breaking old habits—you can check in with what your model might do if you feel stuck accommodating when you’d rather be asserting. Unfortunately, being more assertive doesn’t guarantee your boss will ever change or improve—that is not fully within your control. What you will gain instead is the assurance that your own wants and needs are a priority, leaving you more satisfied at the end of the day and better able to deal with your boss’s nonsense tomorrow.