Summer Love?

The Relationship Ghostwriter loves to get some sun in
the summertime.  It likes to have that off-white glow.

THE ASSIGNMENT

“I was going out with a guy, who I’ll call Dan, during the last three months or so. We are students at the same university. Things were getting pretty serious. We were seeing each other just about every day and we had a fun, relaxed vibe together. We acted like a couple, but we didn’t talk about being in a relationship. Now that school is out, we’ve both gone home to different states for the summer.

I didn’t talk to Dan about staying in touch.  I just assumed we would. The trouble is, Dan hasn’t called, emailed, texted… nothing! I haven’t heard from him at all for a month! I know he’s fine because he’s been on facebook. I don’t know if this is just normal for him or if he’s trying to distance himself from me. I don’t want the relationship to end, and I don’t want to wait for next semester to get back in touch. What should I do? I am not high maintenance and I don’t want to come off as desperate. But I’m not really into this ‘out of sight, out of mind’ thing either.”

—Cara

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: What if Dan were your brother, cousin, or a good friend from high school?  In other words, let’s say Dan is someone you have a warm, close relationship with but don’t necessarily talk to all the time.  How would you get back in touch after a month?  You wouldn’t spend a lot of time wondering if he wanted to hear from you or not, or worrying you might seem high-maintenance.  You would share an inside joke, share a funny story, briefly say how you’ve been, and ask how he’s been.  You would assume he thought fondly of you.  Try to get into that frame of mind and send a simple friendly email. 

YOU WRITE: Jump right in with a funny story or inside joke, like this: “Guess what happened yesterday?!  I saw a woman wearing a cape!”  (Or whatever.  Share a story however you normally would with Dan.)  Next, something quick about how you’re doing—for instance, “I’m loving being a lifeguard.  You wouldn’t believe what I get paid to sit there in the sun and announce adult swims!”  (Obviously, personalize this for you… or Dan will have you institutionalized.)  Finally, ask how he is.  For example, “So how are you?  How’s the internship?”  Keep the tone natural, the email brief, and, most important, don’t try to send any pressuring messages between the lines.

WHAT NEXT: Dan may write back and stay in touch as you’d hoped.  He may write back and then fall out of touch again.  He may not write back at all.  Unfortunately, when any relationship is in its early stages—before you feel completely free to share any and all worries or frustrations—it’s really hard to know what to do about even simple differences in your personalities.  Having a clear sense of your personal priorities will serve you well right now—as will having confidence in yourself and patience.

THE STRATEGY

Sending a brief, friendly email using whatever tone is most fun and natural for you is a good way to open the door for Dan to get back in touch.  Some people are very low-key about staying in touch when they’re away, regardless of how they feel.  Of course there’s a chance that Dan doesn’t want a serious relationship, or, worst case, that he is trying to distance himself from you.  On the other hand, here’s a best-case scenario: Dan is just caught up in being back home and feels so comfortable and happy with you that he hasn’t worried about being out of touch.  Your friendly email provides Dan an easy and appealing way to reestablish contact, and it provides you a chance to learn more about Dan.

Click to enlarge!

What if Dan is out of touch all summer?  What if he remains hard to read?  This is where your personal priorities become so important.  Take the Ownership Challenge to sort out what, if anything, you want to do about this now.  Think carefully about what is most important to you.  If it feels most important to be in a romantic relationship this summer, perhaps Dan isn’t the best candidate.  If it is your priority to see where things go with Dan, fostering healthy self-confidence will help give you patience as you wait to find out what he has in mind.  There are many other choices for each priority, and many other possible priorities.  Take your time.  There’s no wrong answer—what matters is owning your options.

Here’s a great general priority to keep in mind when beginning any relationship: be your favorite version of yourself.  All of us do at least a little shape-shifting as we interact with different people—a grandparent brings out certain facets of our personality, while a rude boss brings out others.  When does your own personal favorite version of yourself come out?  How would that person respond to Dan in this and other situations?  If Dan is the right guy, the two of you will get along best when you are yourself—that is, when you act in ways that let you feel like your favorite, most content, most happy version of yourself.