Hierarchy Malarkey

Fig. 1) What not to do:

Passive behavior means bypassing your own wants and

needs to accommodate others. So, if the crocodile asks

for half your pie, you quickly hand over the whole pie.

THE ASSIGNMENT

“I have been working at a large organization for the past five years, and recently a new manager was put in charge of my unit with few technical skills and largely for political reasons. This person is not in the least qualified for the position, and, in addition, he constantly tries to put me down so he can appear more qualified. It seems to me that he is most interested in 'winning' a discussion and demonstrating his power over me. I work in a highly respected organization in which meritocracy is the standard, but where political appointments of this nature can occur.

I would like to be able to stand up to my new boss when he is technically wrong on issues, but not to the point that I put my own job at risk. In the past I tend to find ways to accommodate those who criticize or take advantage of me. I have not been very assertive, but would certainly like to become more so. I want to be honest and hold my ground. I have been told in the past that I am ‘too nice’ to get ahead. Only rarely do I insist on an argument to the point that my boss would be willing to change his mind. 

How does one treat an incompetent boss respectfully without condoning his incompetence?”

—Mr. Nice

Fig. 2) What not to do:

Passive-aggressive behavior means acting simultaneously

compliant and displeased. So, if the crocodile asks for

half your pie, you comply by giving him half, but you

roll your eyes while you do it.

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: Here’s what you do to lay the groundwork to be well received when you respectfully assert yourself at work: 1) maintain a clear, strong sense of your personal principles and boundaries, and 2) cultivate affable relationships with your colleagues.  Putting a little energy into these two strategies every day sets you up to be more comfortable and persuasive when asserting your wants and needs.  For example, let’s say your boss makes a declaration that doesn’t work for you during a meeting, and you want to assert yourself:

HE SAYS: “Okay, so we can all agree that the sky is green, yes?  As of today, we are going to launch a new campaign centered on this fact.”

YOU SAY: (in a collaborative, unanxious tone) “Can we pause for a moment?  I have serious concerns about saying the sky is green.  I actually have an entirely different view.  I believe the sky is blue, and I’m going to have a hard time reconciling both ideas.”

WHAT NEXT: The affable relationships you have cultivated paired with the way you consistently keep to your principles will increase the probability that the group will value what you have to say and begin a constructive conversation about the issue at hand.  If, in spite of everything, your dysfunctional boss stays true to form and only wants to argue with you, you are not obliged to play that win/lose game with him.  Use active listening to let him feel heard without having to agree or disagree.  Keep the Ownership Challenge in mind as you decide how far you are willing to go to try to persuade him to change.

Fig. 3) What not to do:

Aggressive behavior means overcompensating for

your wants and needs. So, if the crocodile asks for half

your pie, you—outraged that he wants more than just

a slice—throw the whole pie in his face.

THE STRATEGY

Being under the authority of someone you believe to be incompetent or dysfunctional is extraordinarily frustrating.  There’s no perfect solution, but assertiveness certainly helps.  Being assertive does not mean being unaccommodating, disrespectful, or insubordinate; on the contrary, in a functional work environment, assertiveness is the most respectful and effective communication style.  (For more on communication styles, click here.)

Why are boundaries and affability such important foundations for assertiveness?  Imagine the ideal competent co-worker.  This person works hard.  He also takes the time to know you personally.  He doesn’t just say, “How are you?” in a friendly way—he remembers a few specific things, like, “How did the barbecue go?”  Imagine that this guy is also very consistent—you can rely on him to produce great work, and you can expect to hit a brick wall if you attempt to manipulate or bully him.  You like this person because you don’t have to worry about him—he is a solid team member, he is personable, and he will look after his own wants and needs.

Fig. 4) What TO do:

Assertive behavior means respectfully taking care

of your own wants and needs—nothing more, nothing

less. So, if the crocodile asks for half your pie, you tell

him you can’t give him that much, but you’ll be happy

to share a slice. You’re both winners!

Now imagine this person sitting in a meeting.  Here’s where all his work pays off: it is really hard to be a jerk to this guy.  Not only do you respect and like him—you aren’t able to take advantage of him.  Treating him with disrespect or wasting his time with an unreasonable argument would earn you the disapproval of the rest of the team.  And it’s not just because he’s nice—he’s likable and assertive.

None of us is so perfect and consistent all the time.  But keeping a model in mind, real or imagined, is a helpful strategy as you work on breaking old habits—you can check in with what your model might do if you feel stuck accommodating when you’d rather be asserting.  Unfortunately, being more assertive doesn’t guarantee your boss will ever change or improve—that is not fully within your control.  What you will gain instead is the assurance that your own wants and needs are a priority, leaving you more satisfied at the end of the day and better able to deal with your boss’s nonsense tomorrow.

Playing Mean

THE ASSIGNMENT

You can’t always predict what will offend someone. The Relationship
Ghostwriter had to find out the hard way that Seventh Vice President
and sometimes-adversary John C. Calhoun finds mid-afternoon coffee
breaks "disrespectful and intemperate."

“I am a social worker. Recently, one of my bosses, Jill, ran a training exercise for our staff. We had to take little quizzes in which the moderator was either really nice and supportive, neutral, or mean and rude. We were learning about the impact of our attitude on our clients.

Jill asked me to help her run this exercise by playing the rude person. This is not natural. I try to be a nice guy all the time. But I was willing to help, with Jill reassuring me that she would explain to my co-workers that she had specifically instructed me to pretend to be a jerk. When we did the exercise, most people got a kick out of watching me try to act like a big meanie because I’m usually a goofball. They laughed and had fun.

But one co-worker, Mary, had her feelings hurt! Playing my assigned role, I had told her something like, ‘Shut up and do your quiz.’ She did not say anything to me, but later she went to a mutual friend at work and CRIED because I was rude to her! The mutual friend came to me with Mary’s permission, trying to help by letting me know what happened.

I am mortified! I hate that I made someone feel bad. I am also, frankly, annoyed at Mary that she didn’t grasp what everyone else did--that I had been instructed by our boss to act awful for this exercise. She gave me no benefit of the doubt based on all the years I have been friendly to her. What on earth am I supposed to do or say? I want to fix this, but at the same time I’d almost rather quit my job than interact with Mary again, it’s so awkward.”

—Nick

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: It is important that you have a respectful face-to-face talk with Mary in private as soon as possible. If it feels too awkward to approach Mary on your own, consider asking someone you trust to help facilitate the conversation—maybe your boss Jill or your mutual friend.  When you talk to Mary, your goal is to be gracefully honest.

YOU SAY: “Our friend let me know that you felt hurt after I was rude to you during the exercise.  I feel so sorry and mortified to hear that I offended you.  That’s the last thing I would want, and I’m just so sorry I caused you to be upset.”

WHAT NEXT: You can also honor your need to explain that you had no intention of hurting Mary.  Say, “It’s very important to me that you know this was not personal. I would never behave so rudely toward you or anyone in normal circumstances.  I was in an awkward position, having been instructed to be rude to everyone as a part of the exercise.  It was really uncomfortable for me, and I hate that it had this effect on you.”

THE STRATEGY

This is a very awkward situation, and your conflicting responses make perfect sense—on the one hand, you feel compassionate remorse, while, on the other hand, you feel unfairly condemned, a victim of circumstance.  Poor Mary... but, at the same time, how dare she? 

It is great that you can identify these conflicting emotions.  As always, you have many choices.  For example, you could do nothing, or you could express to your friend that Mary is being unfair and hope it gets back to her, or you could complain to your boss that she put you in this position and needs make it right.  Take ownership and identify your priorities to narrow down your choices.  In your submission, you emphasize being kind to others, and you say you want to “fix this.”  If you choose to focus on those priorities, a direct meaningful apology to Mary lays the best groundwork for a constructive, respectful, and prompt resolution.

Apologize simply, sincerely, and non-judgmentally.  If you have information you want to share, explain yourself without making excuses: in other words, do not present facts as counterweights to the pain someone else experienced.  Share your truth, make your apology, listen respectfully, and then be finished.  You are not required to hash it out for hours or act awkward around Mary.  One meaningful apology satisfies your obligation.

Sometimes it feels unfair that someone who misunderstood your intent gets to receive your apology.  It may make it more palatable to remember that, from time to time, every single one of us will cause offense or harm in spite of our best intentions.  Intention isn’t everything.  You don’t lose anything by making a meaningful apology.  You have a lot to lose if you turn a blind eye to what happened or if you become paralyzed by your shame.

Intention isn’t everything, but it is important.  You feel mortified because, despite your good intentions, you had a part in making someone else upset.  It shook your confidence, and it’s natural to feel shaken.  But don’t fall into the trap of globalizing one bad experience.  One person had a negative reaction to what you did.  Everyone else seems to have benefitted from what you did.  You were acting with good intentions, doing your best to help your boss and your co-workers.  You cannot control everyone’s reactions—Mary surprised you this time.  We are imperfect.  Our relationships are imperfect.  Be generous and forgiving with Mary—and with yourself.

Colleague Conundrum

THE ASSIGNMENT

“My coworker ‘Anna’ has a lot of strong opinions and she is really outspoken about them. Anna’s office is down the hall from mine and we’re friendly.  We email back and forth during the day.  Anna unloads all of her problems on me and she can be really harsh about her judgments and grudges with other coworkers.

I don’t usually share her opinions of other people because I’m more easy going, and I think she jumps to a lot of conclusions and is unfair about some of the things she says.  But I don’t want to disagree with her because then she might dislike me and I’ll be the target of gossip!

So I’m stuck because it’s like all I can do is agree with what she says in the emails.  If I don’t write back, she’ll come to my office to gossip, which I think is worse because we could be overheard much more easily and I don’t want people to think I share her opinions or attitude.

Here’s part of a typical email from her:

‘Pete told me he was mad I said shut up to him when we were joking around during the staff meeting. He was laughing when I said it! He is always whiny anyway so I dont care about him. but he needs to get over it and actually what is more rude is laughing one minute with someone and tricking me into thinking you are enjoying and then later coming saying its wrong of me to say shut up and acting all serious.  I will not talk more than business to Pete anymore I guess.’

I just want to fly low and I’m willing to email with her because I want to stay friendly, but I’m worried about just agreeing with everything she says all the time.  What should I write back that will satisfy her without having to agree with her?”

— Katie

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

YOU WRITE:  “That must have been awkward.  I can imagine you felt blindsided to find out he was angry after the fact.  It caught you off guard because you thought you were joking around with Pete and he saw it differently.  I like your idea to let things cool off for a while and just keep things respectfully professional with him for now.”

WHAT NEXT:  Anna may have more to say about what happened, and she may feel the impulse to prod you for your opinion, especially because that is something she is used to getting from you in the past.  If she asks “What do you think?” point-blank, you can be both honest and graceful in declining to choose a side, such as by saying, “I wasn’t there so I can’t be the judge.  But it sounds like your personalities clashed, and I know you didn’t intend to hurt his feelings so it annoyed you when he was upset.  What has it been like talking with him since then?”

THE STRATEGY

Katie has two priorities: 1) to avoid feeling cornered into siding with Anna, and 2) to avoid disagreeing with Anna.  Katie can satisfy both priorities using active listening.

Active listening enables Anna to feel heard and understood, and it enables Katie to provide a supportive response whether or not she agrees with what Anna says.  The Ghostwriter’s suggested response only relies on what Anna wrote.  It does not add anything new, such as Katie’s own opinion of Pete or of what Anna did.  The response summarizes the key pieces of Anna’s email, including the emotions Anna communicates between the lines.

Because Katie and Anna are friends, it is important that Katie maintain an appropriately intimate tone with her words.  This can be a challenge when you are first getting used to active listening techniques—you may come off as more distant or detached than usual when you start expressing empathy (“I can imagine how annoyed you felt toward Pete”) rather than sympathy (“I am annoyed at Pete on your behalf”).

That’s why it’s important that Katie to do more than simply summarize the key points of what Anna wrote.  Anna did not spell out her emotions, but Katie can use what she already knows of Anna, along with what is written between the lines, to reflect back what she believes Anna is feeling—“That must have been awkward,” or “You felt blindsided.”  Again, Katie is not required to judge whether these were suitable responses.

Another opportunity to express encouragement is to find those things you do agree with and call attention to them.  They don’t have to be big, obvious things—in this case, the Ghostwriter suggests taking what may actually be a defeatist statement of Anna’s (“I will not talk more than business to Pete anymore I guess”) and reframing it as a constructive action (“I like your idea to let things cool off…”).

Finally, if you are asked point-blank to choose a side, you can state your reluctance or inability to do so without catastrophic effects.  Be assertive, then follow it up with an empathetic reflection of what Anna experienced and an open-ended question.  What is most likely to be of value to Anna is Katie’s caring statement of understanding and her curiosity about what Anna is dealing with.  If Anna simply wants to hear someone agree with her unconditionally, she will need to look elsewhere.