Motivation to Change

THE ASSIGNMENT

The Relationship Ghostwriter walks to stay in shape.
It can’t risk being too slow to outmaneuver ghost hunters.

“I have been married just over a year and I have a 1-year-old little girl. My husband and I want to have more children, but I am concerned with his health. I am NOT a health nut by any stretch of the imagination, (I like to drink, eat :)), but, I do exercise, take vitamins, practice a couple holistic rituals here and there and overall, CARE about my health. To be honest, I don’t want to get pregnant again until he starts to put in a little effort into his own health. But I'm 37, it's not like I have all the time in the world to have a family, right?

I try and cook healthy meals, but I don't always cook. I buy him vitamins, and anything else I think may help him. I even set up his weekly container to make it easy. Nevertheless, he still eats lots of sweets, (he denies this, but I find wrappers). He never exercises, and I cannot even get him to walk our dogs. The only time he does any of these things is when I get so fed up that I genuinely tell him that I don't want to deal with his lifestyle anymore. I know it may sound harsh, he is a responsible good man with a big heart, what worries me is his big belly. I like the way he looks, I'm still attracted to him, it's just I know his behavior cannot be healthy.

His mother is diabetic. His father died of cancer. He is almost 42, and acts and eats like he's 8. I feel he has zero interest in himself. I'm desperate, and I'm starting to get pissed off. How do I get my husband to take accountability for his health and start making better choices?”

—Sandwitch

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: As you’re clearly aware, major changes in a person’s behavior—like what they eat or how much they exercise—are not easy to come by.  External pressures like threats and rewards may produce short-term change.  Internal motivation is the key to long-term change.  You are in a unique position to elicit your husband’s own internal motivation by increasing his self awareness.  Respectfully and supportively challenge him to explore what drives him to get healthy—and what holds him back.  For example,

YOU SAY: “What about taking the dogs for a walk today, in an hour or so?”

HE SAYS: “I don’t have time.  Maybe later.”

YOU SAY: (in a collaborative, non-judgmental tone)  “That’s alright.  Can I ask you a question?  You know I want to support you in making healthy choices—that’s why I’m asking about a walk.  But I know you don’t like it if I pressure you to do things, and I won’t give you a hard time if you don’t feel like walking today.  Here’s what I want to know.  In the future, what would be the best way for me to encourage you to do something like go out walking?”

WHAT’S NEXT:

The Relationship Ghostwriter also needs a good strategy
for motivating change. Its eagle friend has been engaging
in some especially problematic behavior as of late.

You have asked your husband an open-ended question about what might increase his internal motivation to get healthier.  He may not have an answer.  He may be intrigued, or he may feel defensive.  Your non-judgmental tone at least opens the way for you to explore his motivation as a team.  Do your best to ask open questions and actively listen—you won’t learn much if you fill in the blanks with your own opinion.  If he’s not in the mood to talk now, give him space.  It won’t be constructive to force him into this conversation, but keep your eyes open for the right opportunity to pick it up again later.

THE STRATEGY

Internal motivation drives you to give your best effort because you set high personal stakes for yourself.  Think of how it feels to want to learn to play an instrument as an adult versus when you were made to take lessons as a child.  Or think about your job—how much are you devoted to random work assignments versus a project you helped dream up?  External motivators—obeying your parents, satisfying the basic requirements of your job—are enough to make us do certain activities, but often with minimal effort.  True dedication and enthusiasm are the products of internal motivation.

Right now, your husband is not internally motivated to change.  If he were, all of the things you do for him (buying vitamins, cooking meals) would be a tremendous help.  However, until he accesses his own motivation, any external judgment (anyone suggesting how he should behave) may feel a little like an attack.  He is resistant to change because he may be, as you suspect, uninterested in fitness.  He may feel conflicted about costs and benefits.  He may want to avoid thinking about health altogether after watching two parents suffer diseases—and after losing one of them.  This is all normal and understandable.  The best thing you can do for your husband is to collaborate with him in uncovering his thoughts and beliefs about getting healthier.  Arguing with him or contradicting him—even in a nice way—will probably solidify his commitment to his old behaviors.

Active listening and open-ended questions are your best friends.  For example, what motivates him to complete other tasks that aren’t altogether enjoyable, like going to work?  How is that different from going to the gym?  What is good about the way things are now?  What is not-so-good if things stay the same?  To create space for change, take the attitude that there are no wrong answers.  Be non-judgmental.  If you make it sound like you are thinking of a Right Answer to open-ended questions or if you try to send messages or accusations between the lines, he will probably get more resistant.  Simply be curious and supportive.  You will help increase your husband’s self-awareness about what motivates him—which is the best first step for change.

It is obvious how much you love and care about your husband.  Take care of yourself, too, by checking in with the Ownership Challenge.  Make sure your priorities in this situation are fully within your control (achievable and practical).  For example, if your top priority is, “I want my husband to get healthier,” you have set yourself up for frustration because you are not in the driver’s seat.  But, let’s say your goal is, “I want to support his internal motivation to get healthy.”  Now you’re in great shape to get started.

(If you want to know more about how internal motivation drives behavior, you might be interested in Motivational Interviewing techniques.)

R.S.V.P.

THE ASSIGNMENT

A Relationship Ghostwriter family portrait!

“My brother Jackson -- the family Alpha Male -- habitually causes hurt feelings in our family. He criticizes us in public, dismisses our opinions, interrupts, and plays the surprised victim if we get frustrated or angry. Usually, I can avoid Jackson. However, this past week, he invited all of us to a dinner honoring him with an award, saying in his collective email that we should send in our names if we'd like to see him get his award. Because the invitation was sent to many people, and because the cost was very high, and because it appeared to be a fundraiser for a group I hadn't heard of, I didn't respond.

Meanwhile, my sister, Beth, is going through a series of stressful, life-changing events. Among other things, she is about to retire from a long career. She invited the family to a couple of retirement events. I feel it is very important to attend these events to support Beth. Jackson is not planning to attend.  Now, Jackson has sent a ‘reminder' to those of us who didn't offer to go to his event, stating that there are three more places at the table. Our mom is pressing me to go.

I can afford the cost, but I don’t want to feel pressured. Also, I want to support Beth. Jackson has offered no support to Beth. How do I respond to Jackson's invitation, knowing he will feel slighted and somewhat offended that I attended Beth's events?  I'd like a strategy that keeps me from feeling pressured, guilty, defensive, and angry.”

— Tessa

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

SETUP: You have identified many valid frustrations and many different priorities.  It is difficult to decide how you want to respond—whether to accept or decline, how to manage the ramifications either way—because you have not chosen a top priority.  The Ownership Challenge will help you zero in on a top priority, and from there you will have a clearer idea of what you want to accomplish with your R.S.V.P. and other future interactions with your brother Jackson.  For this example, let’s say you decide that bolstering family support for your sister Beth is your highest priority.  Here is a response that attempts to encourage Jackson to attend at least one of Beth’s events:

YOU WRITE:  “Congratulations for receiving this honor!  Do you still have a spot available?  I’d like to attend, if so.  I also want to ask you something else.  I was disappointed to hear you couldn’t join us at either of Beth’s events.  I know you are exceptionally busy, but you are great about making time when the family needs you.  I believe this is a big deal for Beth, even though she may play it down.  What do you think about moving things around and coming with me to Beth’s afternoon event?  I would love to have you join me and I think it means a lot to her.  Give me a call to let me know what you think.”

THE STRATEGY

It sounds like your brother Jackson struggles with active listening, sucking less, listening for what others hear and more.  No one can simply make Jackson behave differently, but you can attempt to increase his motivation to behave differently.  To do so, pair honesty with grace: 

• Assert yourself—be direct and honest.
• Use a strictly nonjudgmental tone (never moralizing, never trying to send a message between the lines).
• Focus on building rapport (inside jokes, positive feedback) to create safe space for him to contemplate change.
• Search for and play up whatever it is that motivates him specifically (it is different for everyone, but “putting family first” is a major motivator for a lot of us).
• Model the kind of behavior you wish to see (accepting his invitation is an important gesture when you are asking the same of him).

Your tone of voice and body language make a tremendous difference when attempting to increase another person’s internal motivation to change.  The email format limits your chances of success: what one person may intend as a warm, positive statement (“You are great about making time when the family needs you”) could be read by others as pressuring and guilt-provoking.  Adding inside jokes and other personalizing touches will help, but it is always better if the other person can hear or see that you are being assertive and nonjudgmental.  A phone call or lunch out instead of an email will improve your chances of success.

Other Priorities

So far, we have only been talking about one possible priority—bolstering family support for your sister Beth. The Ownership Challenge asks you to list all of your priorities and put them in order of importance to you.  For example, you want to provide meaningful support for Beth.  You also want to learn how to process external pressures—including Jackson’s behavior—in ways that don’t leave you feeling pressured, guilty, defensive, or angry.  Perhaps you also want to avoid making any gestures that seem to support Jackson right now, or you want to avoid him altogether.  The Ghostwriter’s suggested response honors one priority but might compete with others—that is why it is so important that you choose and own a top priority.

Jackson’s invitation brought up many of your valid frustrations with him.  As you search for ways to make sense of and exert power over a complicated problem, be careful not to exaggerate the power of any one response.  Accepting this invitation does not mean you endorse all of Jackson’s bad behavior.  Accepting the invitation does not invalidate your support of Beth.  Declining the invitation does not oblige you to feel guilty, pressured, or defensive.  Nor does it oblige Jackson to feel slighted: his reaction is never fully within your control.

Regardless of your choice whether or not to attend Jackson’s dinner, there exists a wealth of ways you can act—not only react—to ensure progress toward various overarching goals.  For example, if you decide that your topmost priority is to avoid ever feeling pressured, guilty, defensive, or angry, you can seek healthy strategies to combat those feelings when they do emerge.  Taking ownership helps you manage those feelings: it is your responsibility to make choices that satisfy you, and your choices are only limited by external pressure (like a guilt trip) if you decide to give that pressure precedence over your other wants and needs.  The external pressure isn’t in charge—you are.

Click to enlarge!

Perhaps you wish to maintain a relationship with Jackson, but you also decide it isn’t your top priority to attempt to improve his behavior.  You make a conscious choice to invest your power in simply modeling healthier behavior for Jackson when you do see him.  Instead of being continually disappointed by him, you make and own the choice to interact with him, fully anticipating that you will encounter his faults.  This may seem like a subtle shift, but it is empowering to think, “My priority to maintain this relationship overrode my priority to avoid Jackson altogether, but I also choose not to take further steps to motivate him to change right now.  I can make different choices at any time.”

There are countless viable possibilities that shift depending on the order of your priorities.  You will feel less boxed-in when you take ownership of whatever way you choose to act—and react—regardless of Jackson’s choices or any other external pressures.