No Good Deed

THE ASSIGNMENT

The Relationship Ghostwriter has little use for driving.
Simply manifesting in new locations is more efficient.

“My friend borrowed our car the other day to haul some cardboard to the dump. When he returned it, I discovered that the baby mirror in our backseat was broken in half. It is basically unusable now. It must have broken when he lowered the headrest and the seat to make room for his cardboard. I'm frustrated because he was not careful with our car and he ended up breaking a $20 item. Most importantly, I can't see my baby in her car seat now while I am driving. I don't understand how he could have missed hearing the plastic snap in half when it broke....or if he heard it, why didn't he say something to us?

I'm torn about whether or not to say something to him. On one hand, I want him to know he caused damage to the mirror and I want him to apologize for it. (The money is not an issue--I just want an apology.) On the other hand, I know if I say something, I will get one of two responses: 1) He will be defensive and say it must have already been broken, or 2) he will overcompensate and go out of his way to make amends. For example, I could easily see him buying another mirror (or two!) and then obsessively checking in with me every week to see how the new mirror is working and if everything is okay so that I end up thanking him for his good deed. So here's the question--do I say something to him or just let it be water off my back and forget about it? If I decide to say something, how should I phrase it? I don't want to lose a friendship over this, but I also don't want to let him borrow my car ever again!”

— Elaine

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP:  The Ownership Challenge will help you sort out what you want to do about this—whether or not it is your top priority to have a direct conversation with your friend.  If it is, find a time to talk with him, preferably in person, and use an assertive and respectful tone.  This meeting may feel tense or uncomfortable, which is normal, and it may be helpful to be open about that.

YOU SAY: “This is a little uncomfortable for me, and maybe for you too.  I believe I have an obligation to be honest and share a frustration with you.  When you returned the car a few days back, we noticed that our baby mirror in the back seat was broken.  I believe you must have broken it while you were using the car.  I know this was probably an accident.  You may not have even noticed it happened, or maybe you noticed but felt understandably embarrassed to say anything.  Do you remember what happened?”

WHAT’S NEXT: Let’s say your friend acknowledges fault and apologizes to your satisfaction.  Ideally he says, “Well, frankly, you’re right, I did hear a snap and saw it was broken, but I didn’t want to say anything.  I’m embarrassed and I’m really sorry.”  After any satisfactory response, you have an opportunity to ask questions.  For example, “Thanks for being so honest with me.  I accept your apology.  I’m curious to know a little more—how did it break?”  Ask any other clarifying questions you have, then lay out your specific needs: “Would you be willing to compensate us for the mirror this week?  Your apology means a lot to me, and if you would give us the $20, I’d be glad to consider everything over and done with, water under the bridge.”  Making a specific plan gives both of you a clear idea of what gestures will make things right—after those needs are fulfilled, it is over.

If your friend agrees and honors the plan, but he also continues to bring up what happened, or buys you two mirrors, you say warmly, “I appreciate that you’re trying to do so much to compensate for what happened, but please believe me that it is all over and done with now.  I want you to feel no obligation to ask about it any more —in fact, it makes me a little uncomfortable when you keep bringing it up because I am ready for it to be in the past.  You have done everything I needed, and I appreciate it.”  Repeat as needed.  Be warm and assertive.

Alternate Scenario:  What if you are not satisfied with your friend’s initial response?  Perhaps he flat out denies any wrongdoing, saying, “Wow, I don’t know what happened to your mirror, and I’m sorry if it got broken, but I don’t think it happened on my watch.”  Perhaps he sort of acknowledges responsibility but denies having known about it until now: “I have no idea what happened, but I’ll be glad to replace the mirror if that’s what you want.”  You said he might get defensive: “I can’t believe you think I would do that and not own up to it!”

There are no hard and fast rules about what is or isn’t satisfactory—it will be different for everyone and every situation.  Any response that feels unsatisfactory to you, though, does require you to make additional choices.  Think ownership.  You have gone down this path in the spirit of respectful honesty; let’s say you decide continue on this path.  You can use active listening and calmly reflect back whatever you hear: “This feels like a major accusation to you,” or “You were completely unaware that anything happened.”  Say these things like statements, not questions—let your voice go down at the end.  You are not trying to make any point.  You are simply letting your friend know you have heard him.

Be specific about your needs: “I understand that you weren’t aware it happened, and if you will replace the mirror, I’d be glad to forgive and forget.”  Or, if he continues to deny wrongdoing, “I’m disappointed because it seems very clear to me that you are responsible but you do not seem prepared to make things right.  What I need from you is an apology and for you to replace the mirror—then I will truly forgive and forget and we’ll go back to the way things have always been.”

If the conversation veers away from being civil and honest, put an end to it for now.  No matter the outcome, you honored your goal to respectfully express the problem and its impact.  If you feel a need for further resolution, many communities have mediation centers.  A mediator is an expert at facilitating exactly this type of dialogue and may offer new insights.

THE STRATEGY

You’re having a very normal and natural reaction after experiencing something that feels unfair or unjust.  The needs you describe are the same needs most of us have after someone has done us wrong—you need answers to questions, a meaningful apology, assurance it won’t happen again, and maybe financial compensation, among other things.  Accidents happen—your friend almost certainly did not intend to break the mirror—but it was bad form for him to fail to acknowledge what happened or offer an apology (presuming he knows it happened).

An aggravated Relationship Ghostwriter finds it much
more difficult to brainstorm constructive, satisfying
choices than does a calm Relationship Ghostwriter.

Having to take any action at all may be the thing that feels most unfair when another person’s wrongdoing affects you.  Think of a time when you’ve been in a traffic accident that wasn’t your fault—even though it was an accident, and the other person’s insurance will cover all financial losses, you still have a lot of unexpected trouble on your hands.  After any experience like this, make a point to let yourself grieve the external circumstances before you try to make any decisions about what to do next.

You didn’t ask to be dealing with this problem, and it’s natural to be angry or sad about having to face it at all.  If you are able to find healthy outlets for difficult emotions—allowing yourself to experience them, process them, and let them disperse—sooner or later you will feel ready and able to do what needs to be done: to stop grieving and to start reclaiming personal responsibility for the choices you do have and for your contentment.