Motivation to Change

THE ASSIGNMENT

The Relationship Ghostwriter walks to stay in shape.
It can’t risk being too slow to outmaneuver ghost hunters.

“I have been married just over a year and I have a 1-year-old little girl. My husband and I want to have more children, but I am concerned with his health. I am NOT a health nut by any stretch of the imagination, (I like to drink, eat :)), but, I do exercise, take vitamins, practice a couple holistic rituals here and there and overall, CARE about my health. To be honest, I don’t want to get pregnant again until he starts to put in a little effort into his own health. But I'm 37, it's not like I have all the time in the world to have a family, right?

I try and cook healthy meals, but I don't always cook. I buy him vitamins, and anything else I think may help him. I even set up his weekly container to make it easy. Nevertheless, he still eats lots of sweets, (he denies this, but I find wrappers). He never exercises, and I cannot even get him to walk our dogs. The only time he does any of these things is when I get so fed up that I genuinely tell him that I don't want to deal with his lifestyle anymore. I know it may sound harsh, he is a responsible good man with a big heart, what worries me is his big belly. I like the way he looks, I'm still attracted to him, it's just I know his behavior cannot be healthy.

His mother is diabetic. His father died of cancer. He is almost 42, and acts and eats like he's 8. I feel he has zero interest in himself. I'm desperate, and I'm starting to get pissed off. How do I get my husband to take accountability for his health and start making better choices?”

—Sandwitch

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: As you’re clearly aware, major changes in a person’s behavior—like what they eat or how much they exercise—are not easy to come by.  External pressures like threats and rewards may produce short-term change.  Internal motivation is the key to long-term change.  You are in a unique position to elicit your husband’s own internal motivation by increasing his self awareness.  Respectfully and supportively challenge him to explore what drives him to get healthy—and what holds him back.  For example,

YOU SAY: “What about taking the dogs for a walk today, in an hour or so?”

HE SAYS: “I don’t have time.  Maybe later.”

YOU SAY: (in a collaborative, non-judgmental tone)  “That’s alright.  Can I ask you a question?  You know I want to support you in making healthy choices—that’s why I’m asking about a walk.  But I know you don’t like it if I pressure you to do things, and I won’t give you a hard time if you don’t feel like walking today.  Here’s what I want to know.  In the future, what would be the best way for me to encourage you to do something like go out walking?”

WHAT’S NEXT:

The Relationship Ghostwriter also needs a good strategy
for motivating change. Its eagle friend has been engaging
in some especially problematic behavior as of late.

You have asked your husband an open-ended question about what might increase his internal motivation to get healthier.  He may not have an answer.  He may be intrigued, or he may feel defensive.  Your non-judgmental tone at least opens the way for you to explore his motivation as a team.  Do your best to ask open questions and actively listen—you won’t learn much if you fill in the blanks with your own opinion.  If he’s not in the mood to talk now, give him space.  It won’t be constructive to force him into this conversation, but keep your eyes open for the right opportunity to pick it up again later.

THE STRATEGY

Internal motivation drives you to give your best effort because you set high personal stakes for yourself.  Think of how it feels to want to learn to play an instrument as an adult versus when you were made to take lessons as a child.  Or think about your job—how much are you devoted to random work assignments versus a project you helped dream up?  External motivators—obeying your parents, satisfying the basic requirements of your job—are enough to make us do certain activities, but often with minimal effort.  True dedication and enthusiasm are the products of internal motivation.

Right now, your husband is not internally motivated to change.  If he were, all of the things you do for him (buying vitamins, cooking meals) would be a tremendous help.  However, until he accesses his own motivation, any external judgment (anyone suggesting how he should behave) may feel a little like an attack.  He is resistant to change because he may be, as you suspect, uninterested in fitness.  He may feel conflicted about costs and benefits.  He may want to avoid thinking about health altogether after watching two parents suffer diseases—and after losing one of them.  This is all normal and understandable.  The best thing you can do for your husband is to collaborate with him in uncovering his thoughts and beliefs about getting healthier.  Arguing with him or contradicting him—even in a nice way—will probably solidify his commitment to his old behaviors.

Active listening and open-ended questions are your best friends.  For example, what motivates him to complete other tasks that aren’t altogether enjoyable, like going to work?  How is that different from going to the gym?  What is good about the way things are now?  What is not-so-good if things stay the same?  To create space for change, take the attitude that there are no wrong answers.  Be non-judgmental.  If you make it sound like you are thinking of a Right Answer to open-ended questions or if you try to send messages or accusations between the lines, he will probably get more resistant.  Simply be curious and supportive.  You will help increase your husband’s self-awareness about what motivates him—which is the best first step for change.

It is obvious how much you love and care about your husband.  Take care of yourself, too, by checking in with the Ownership Challenge.  Make sure your priorities in this situation are fully within your control (achievable and practical).  For example, if your top priority is, “I want my husband to get healthier,” you have set yourself up for frustration because you are not in the driver’s seat.  But, let’s say your goal is, “I want to support his internal motivation to get healthy.”  Now you’re in great shape to get started.

(If you want to know more about how internal motivation drives behavior, you might be interested in Motivational Interviewing techniques.)

Escape the Argument Minefield

THE ASSIGNMENT 

“I love my wife dearly and I think we have a very solid relationship with no major problems.  But it seems like we don’t know how to argue with each other, maybe because it doesn’t happen very often, luckily.  But when it does happen I really get fed up with how it goes.

One of the times we typically argue is while making dinner.  We are usually both tired after work, and we try to share the job of making food.  (We don’t have kids yet.)  Neither of us feels like taking on the whole task by ourselves, so we cook together.  Nothing too complicated about that.

The problem is that we both have really strong opinions about the way things should be done, and we start bickering over stupid stuff, like how to chop an onion.  We get irritated with each other.  Annoyed, we’ll snap at each other, like maybe I’ll announce 'You’re too high-maintenance,' and then I’ll try to continue what I was working on.

Now she’s upset about what I said, and I realize I am too tired to get into it, so I say, 'I’m sorry, let’s move on,' but my wife always wants to stop everything and talk through how and why we bickered.  So then we’re actually arguing about whether we need to argue about what happened.

I don’t see the point, I really don’t.  It was stupid, we are tired, I said 'I’m sorry.'  But she often latches onto one thing I said and doesn’t think I 'get it' when I simply apologize.  She’s going on and on about how I need to understand why it upset her, and I’m acting more and more childish, rolling my eyes and everything, because I’m so annoyed we are still arguing when I’m really tired and just want to move on. 

I want to be able to avoid submitting to a marathon relationship discussion every time we say stupid things to each other in the heat of the moment!  Tell me what to say to skip the analysis.  I feel like it’s no big deal in the big scheme—she knows I didn’t mean to really hurt her with what I said—so let’s move on!”

— Will G.

THE GHOSTWRITER'S RESPONSE

SETUP:  Your wife has become upset and is explaining to you why she is upset.  You are going to stop what you are doing and apologize.  You are also going to repeat back what you hear, making eye contact and using a serious but calm tone of voice.

SHE SAYS:  “You don’t understand what a big accusation ‘high maintenance’ is!  I am usually completely low maintenance, and that is really offensive.  We’re both micro-managing here and then you throw me under the bus to shut me up with a big card like ‘high maintenance.’  I hate it when you do that, it’s not respectful.”


YOU SAY:  “I’m sorry.  I can understand that.  You and I are going back and forth but when I said ‘high maintenance,’ that crossed the line for you and was disrespectful.  It was a low blow, and I shouldn’t have said it.”


WHAT'S NEXT:  You make an affectionate gesture that works for the two of you—a hug, a warm joke, a kiss—and then say, “Will you show me how you would chop the onion?” (or some other comfortable return to the topic the original bickering was about).

THE STRATEGY
Will’s assignment was not “How do I win the argument,” or “How do I avoid the argument in the first place.”  The Relationship Ghostwriter admires this because it is humble and realistic.  Will has a great deal of clarity about the situation and a very specific goal: Once the argument has started, and once he is ready to apologize and be done, how can he accomplish that efficiently?  He feels he is trapped in a minefield and won’t get to eat his dinner and relax.

In the past, Will has said “I’m sorry” to try to get out of the minefield, and he has expressed annoyance when a simple apology didn’t fix things.  Ironically, Will’s conspicuous desire to get past the argument ASAP was slowing things down for him.  By continuing to talk about the conflict and saying such things as “You don’t get it,” his wife was giving him clues that she felt unheard.  She is unlikely to be ready to stop talking about what happened until she feels heard and understood.  Active listening is the best strategy to let someone know they have been heard and understood.  (Click here to learn more about active listening and why it is so effective in many situations.)

By repeating back the key points of what his wife said to him in a sincere tone, Will gives himself the best chance of ending the argument efficiently.  As a bonus, he has created an opportunity for a positive relationship-building moment in which his wife feels loved, understood, and respected.