Three’s a Crowd

THE ASSIGNMENT

It’s tiresome to have a third party meddling in your romance. The
Relationship Ghostwriter still feels incensed upon recalling the
indignity dear Peggy Eaton suffered at the hands of Mrs. John C.
Calhoun during that blasted Petticoat Affair!

“My boyfriend of one and a half months (‘Mark’) lives with his friend and his friend's girlfriend (‘Jill’). Mark is very close with Jill - they talk about her relationship issues, they share a lot of inside jokes and tease each other constantly, and he used to visit her in her hometown before she moved in with them. After spending time around them, I end up feeling like I'm playing second fiddle to his lady-roommate, when I should really be his priority, no?

For example, I'll ask Mark to come out for drinks with me, and he'll decline because he has to study, so I leave him alone. But when Jill asks and he declines, she'll push until he gives in. Mark has a passive personality, and he’s admitted that he has a hard time saying no. Plus, Jill loves the attention Mark gives her, and I'm sure Mark loves a tall, curvy blonde giving him attention.

So far, I haven't been able to articulate my feelings on the issue to Mark. Usually, if we’re all hanging out and I witness some interaction, I’ll sulk. Definitely not the best way to handle the situation. Mark will typically notice and ask if something is wrong, but I deny that there’s a problem. Since we haven't been together very long, I'm worried that I'll come across as insecure and jealous, or that I’ll put him in an awkward situation - trying to please both Jill and me - and that's not altogether fair. I'm also worried making Jill an issue gives her what she wants - to be the center of attention and the reason that my boyfriend and I are at odds.  Maybe Mark will even defend her!

I would love for Mark to stand up to Jill, if that's the issue. Or to be as receptive to my demands as he is to hers, without me having to turn into a nagging girlfriend! And, of course, I would love for this girl to lay off Mark a little and realize that I'm supposed to be the main girl in his life. I know they're friends, and I'm fine that they're close for the most part, but she has a boyfriend! I want her to leave my boyfriend alone!”

—Jennifer

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

Here’s one of many direct but still respectful ways to delve into the topic of Jill with Mark.

YOU SAY: (in a comfortable tone, alone with Mark) “Jill is really fond of you, and of course it’s easy for me to see why.  You know, sometimes I wonder if you two would be in a relationship if it weren’t for her boyfriend.  I know that’s an awkward thing for me to say, but it’s occurred to me before.  Is it cool for me to ask you about that?”

THE STRATEGY

Your challenge is to find a satisfying balance between social grace (putting your best foot forward) and honesty (speaking up for what you need).  Sometimes you can do both simultaneously.  Making yourself appealing to others gets you many of the things you need.  Being assertive makes you appealing.  But sometimes you must risk making a move another person may dislike to get something you need.  If you veer too far into being appealing at the cost of being assertive, your needs will go unnoticed or unmet.

The example above shows one of many ways you could tackle the “Jill” problem honestly (being direct, assertive) and gracefully (being respectful, reasonable)—a move that will usually strengthen, not damage, a healthy relationship.  But being direct about something you want or need isn’t easy.  It feels very risky socially, especially at the beginning of a relationship.  Is it worth doing?  You feel unsatisfied, so at least it’s worth a closer look.

It’s clear that Jill is acting in bad form.  And you aren’t sure about Mark’s intentions.  What can you do?  Shift the focus to your choices, away from Jill’s or Mark’s.  Ask yourself, “Are my actions supporting my priorities?”  To get a clear picture of your priorities, first brainstorm a list of all the things you would like to see come of this situation.  Maybe it starts something like this (in no particular order):

Next—and this is really important—edit this into a list of personal goals instead of a simple wish list.  Do this by deleting or reframing items until the list contains only that which is specific and within your control.  In other words, each item must theoretically be achievable by you alone in the near future.  Here’s a start:

Now you have a sharper focus on what matters most to you.  When you’re unsure about your goals, you cannot commit to a strategy and you usually feel dissatisfied.  For instance, you described how sulking was unsatisfying.  That’s because you were in limbo, committed neither to being assertive nor being stoic.  When you have clarity about your priorities, it’s easier to commit and to make deliberate concessions when necessary to accomplish what matters most.

You may come out feeling motivated to try something new, even if that something is challenging or risky.  If you prioritize the “happy, healthy, committed relationship” standard above all else, it may motivate you to be gracefully honest with Mark about how his intimacy with Jill makes you feel.  If the relationship is up to your standards, he will be on your team and will try to make things better even if you disagree and it is challenging.  If he’s not on your team, that hurts, but it’s good to know because you are unwilling to settle for a relationship that doesn’t work for both of you.

Priorities and motivations are deeply personal, so they will be different for everyone.  What matters more than what you choose is simply that you own the decision-making process.*  Own the fact that one goal is more important to you than another.  Own the concessions you are willing to make to achieve that goal.  Deep dissatisfaction comes from feeling powerless in the face of other people’s choices.  Satisfaction and contentment come from empowering yourself by committing to specific, achievable personal goals based on your priorities.

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* Note to readers: The Relationship Ghostwriter is not saying it is okay to go murder someone as long as you own the decision-making process.  If that’s what you were thinking, stop being snarky and go talk to a spiritual advisor about Right and Wrong instead of chillin’ (yes, like a villain) here.

Motivation to Change

THE ASSIGNMENT

The Relationship Ghostwriter walks to stay in shape.
It can’t risk being too slow to outmaneuver ghost hunters.

“I have been married just over a year and I have a 1-year-old little girl. My husband and I want to have more children, but I am concerned with his health. I am NOT a health nut by any stretch of the imagination, (I like to drink, eat :)), but, I do exercise, take vitamins, practice a couple holistic rituals here and there and overall, CARE about my health. To be honest, I don’t want to get pregnant again until he starts to put in a little effort into his own health. But I'm 37, it's not like I have all the time in the world to have a family, right?

I try and cook healthy meals, but I don't always cook. I buy him vitamins, and anything else I think may help him. I even set up his weekly container to make it easy. Nevertheless, he still eats lots of sweets, (he denies this, but I find wrappers). He never exercises, and I cannot even get him to walk our dogs. The only time he does any of these things is when I get so fed up that I genuinely tell him that I don't want to deal with his lifestyle anymore. I know it may sound harsh, he is a responsible good man with a big heart, what worries me is his big belly. I like the way he looks, I'm still attracted to him, it's just I know his behavior cannot be healthy.

His mother is diabetic. His father died of cancer. He is almost 42, and acts and eats like he's 8. I feel he has zero interest in himself. I'm desperate, and I'm starting to get pissed off. How do I get my husband to take accountability for his health and start making better choices?”

—Sandwitch

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: As you’re clearly aware, major changes in a person’s behavior—like what they eat or how much they exercise—are not easy to come by.  External pressures like threats and rewards may produce short-term change.  Internal motivation is the key to long-term change.  You are in a unique position to elicit your husband’s own internal motivation by increasing his self awareness.  Respectfully and supportively challenge him to explore what drives him to get healthy—and what holds him back.  For example,

YOU SAY: “What about taking the dogs for a walk today, in an hour or so?”

HE SAYS: “I don’t have time.  Maybe later.”

YOU SAY: (in a collaborative, non-judgmental tone)  “That’s alright.  Can I ask you a question?  You know I want to support you in making healthy choices—that’s why I’m asking about a walk.  But I know you don’t like it if I pressure you to do things, and I won’t give you a hard time if you don’t feel like walking today.  Here’s what I want to know.  In the future, what would be the best way for me to encourage you to do something like go out walking?”

WHAT’S NEXT:

The Relationship Ghostwriter also needs a good strategy
for motivating change. Its eagle friend has been engaging
in some especially problematic behavior as of late.

You have asked your husband an open-ended question about what might increase his internal motivation to get healthier.  He may not have an answer.  He may be intrigued, or he may feel defensive.  Your non-judgmental tone at least opens the way for you to explore his motivation as a team.  Do your best to ask open questions and actively listen—you won’t learn much if you fill in the blanks with your own opinion.  If he’s not in the mood to talk now, give him space.  It won’t be constructive to force him into this conversation, but keep your eyes open for the right opportunity to pick it up again later.

THE STRATEGY

Internal motivation drives you to give your best effort because you set high personal stakes for yourself.  Think of how it feels to want to learn to play an instrument as an adult versus when you were made to take lessons as a child.  Or think about your job—how much are you devoted to random work assignments versus a project you helped dream up?  External motivators—obeying your parents, satisfying the basic requirements of your job—are enough to make us do certain activities, but often with minimal effort.  True dedication and enthusiasm are the products of internal motivation.

Right now, your husband is not internally motivated to change.  If he were, all of the things you do for him (buying vitamins, cooking meals) would be a tremendous help.  However, until he accesses his own motivation, any external judgment (anyone suggesting how he should behave) may feel a little like an attack.  He is resistant to change because he may be, as you suspect, uninterested in fitness.  He may feel conflicted about costs and benefits.  He may want to avoid thinking about health altogether after watching two parents suffer diseases—and after losing one of them.  This is all normal and understandable.  The best thing you can do for your husband is to collaborate with him in uncovering his thoughts and beliefs about getting healthier.  Arguing with him or contradicting him—even in a nice way—will probably solidify his commitment to his old behaviors.

Active listening and open-ended questions are your best friends.  For example, what motivates him to complete other tasks that aren’t altogether enjoyable, like going to work?  How is that different from going to the gym?  What is good about the way things are now?  What is not-so-good if things stay the same?  To create space for change, take the attitude that there are no wrong answers.  Be non-judgmental.  If you make it sound like you are thinking of a Right Answer to open-ended questions or if you try to send messages or accusations between the lines, he will probably get more resistant.  Simply be curious and supportive.  You will help increase your husband’s self-awareness about what motivates him—which is the best first step for change.

It is obvious how much you love and care about your husband.  Take care of yourself, too, by checking in with the Ownership Challenge.  Make sure your priorities in this situation are fully within your control (achievable and practical).  For example, if your top priority is, “I want my husband to get healthier,” you have set yourself up for frustration because you are not in the driver’s seat.  But, let’s say your goal is, “I want to support his internal motivation to get healthy.”  Now you’re in great shape to get started.

(If you want to know more about how internal motivation drives behavior, you might be interested in Motivational Interviewing techniques.)

Hierarchy Malarkey

Fig. 1) What not to do:

Passive behavior means bypassing your own wants and

needs to accommodate others. So, if the crocodile asks

for half your pie, you quickly hand over the whole pie.

THE ASSIGNMENT

“I have been working at a large organization for the past five years, and recently a new manager was put in charge of my unit with few technical skills and largely for political reasons. This person is not in the least qualified for the position, and, in addition, he constantly tries to put me down so he can appear more qualified. It seems to me that he is most interested in 'winning' a discussion and demonstrating his power over me. I work in a highly respected organization in which meritocracy is the standard, but where political appointments of this nature can occur.

I would like to be able to stand up to my new boss when he is technically wrong on issues, but not to the point that I put my own job at risk. In the past I tend to find ways to accommodate those who criticize or take advantage of me. I have not been very assertive, but would certainly like to become more so. I want to be honest and hold my ground. I have been told in the past that I am ‘too nice’ to get ahead. Only rarely do I insist on an argument to the point that my boss would be willing to change his mind. 

How does one treat an incompetent boss respectfully without condoning his incompetence?”

—Mr. Nice

Fig. 2) What not to do:

Passive-aggressive behavior means acting simultaneously

compliant and displeased. So, if the crocodile asks for

half your pie, you comply by giving him half, but you

roll your eyes while you do it.

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: Here’s what you do to lay the groundwork to be well received when you respectfully assert yourself at work: 1) maintain a clear, strong sense of your personal principles and boundaries, and 2) cultivate affable relationships with your colleagues.  Putting a little energy into these two strategies every day sets you up to be more comfortable and persuasive when asserting your wants and needs.  For example, let’s say your boss makes a declaration that doesn’t work for you during a meeting, and you want to assert yourself:

HE SAYS: “Okay, so we can all agree that the sky is green, yes?  As of today, we are going to launch a new campaign centered on this fact.”

YOU SAY: (in a collaborative, unanxious tone) “Can we pause for a moment?  I have serious concerns about saying the sky is green.  I actually have an entirely different view.  I believe the sky is blue, and I’m going to have a hard time reconciling both ideas.”

WHAT NEXT: The affable relationships you have cultivated paired with the way you consistently keep to your principles will increase the probability that the group will value what you have to say and begin a constructive conversation about the issue at hand.  If, in spite of everything, your dysfunctional boss stays true to form and only wants to argue with you, you are not obliged to play that win/lose game with him.  Use active listening to let him feel heard without having to agree or disagree.  Keep the Ownership Challenge in mind as you decide how far you are willing to go to try to persuade him to change.

Fig. 3) What not to do:

Aggressive behavior means overcompensating for

your wants and needs. So, if the crocodile asks for half

your pie, you—outraged that he wants more than just

a slice—throw the whole pie in his face.

THE STRATEGY

Being under the authority of someone you believe to be incompetent or dysfunctional is extraordinarily frustrating.  There’s no perfect solution, but assertiveness certainly helps.  Being assertive does not mean being unaccommodating, disrespectful, or insubordinate; on the contrary, in a functional work environment, assertiveness is the most respectful and effective communication style.  (For more on communication styles, click here.)

Why are boundaries and affability such important foundations for assertiveness?  Imagine the ideal competent co-worker.  This person works hard.  He also takes the time to know you personally.  He doesn’t just say, “How are you?” in a friendly way—he remembers a few specific things, like, “How did the barbecue go?”  Imagine that this guy is also very consistent—you can rely on him to produce great work, and you can expect to hit a brick wall if you attempt to manipulate or bully him.  You like this person because you don’t have to worry about him—he is a solid team member, he is personable, and he will look after his own wants and needs.

Fig. 4) What TO do:

Assertive behavior means respectfully taking care

of your own wants and needs—nothing more, nothing

less. So, if the crocodile asks for half your pie, you tell

him you can’t give him that much, but you’ll be happy

to share a slice. You’re both winners!

Now imagine this person sitting in a meeting.  Here’s where all his work pays off: it is really hard to be a jerk to this guy.  Not only do you respect and like him—you aren’t able to take advantage of him.  Treating him with disrespect or wasting his time with an unreasonable argument would earn you the disapproval of the rest of the team.  And it’s not just because he’s nice—he’s likable and assertive.

None of us is so perfect and consistent all the time.  But keeping a model in mind, real or imagined, is a helpful strategy as you work on breaking old habits—you can check in with what your model might do if you feel stuck accommodating when you’d rather be asserting.  Unfortunately, being more assertive doesn’t guarantee your boss will ever change or improve—that is not fully within your control.  What you will gain instead is the assurance that your own wants and needs are a priority, leaving you more satisfied at the end of the day and better able to deal with your boss’s nonsense tomorrow.

Summer Love?

The Relationship Ghostwriter loves to get some sun in
the summertime.  It likes to have that off-white glow.

THE ASSIGNMENT

“I was going out with a guy, who I’ll call Dan, during the last three months or so. We are students at the same university. Things were getting pretty serious. We were seeing each other just about every day and we had a fun, relaxed vibe together. We acted like a couple, but we didn’t talk about being in a relationship. Now that school is out, we’ve both gone home to different states for the summer.

I didn’t talk to Dan about staying in touch.  I just assumed we would. The trouble is, Dan hasn’t called, emailed, texted… nothing! I haven’t heard from him at all for a month! I know he’s fine because he’s been on facebook. I don’t know if this is just normal for him or if he’s trying to distance himself from me. I don’t want the relationship to end, and I don’t want to wait for next semester to get back in touch. What should I do? I am not high maintenance and I don’t want to come off as desperate. But I’m not really into this ‘out of sight, out of mind’ thing either.”

—Cara

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: What if Dan were your brother, cousin, or a good friend from high school?  In other words, let’s say Dan is someone you have a warm, close relationship with but don’t necessarily talk to all the time.  How would you get back in touch after a month?  You wouldn’t spend a lot of time wondering if he wanted to hear from you or not, or worrying you might seem high-maintenance.  You would share an inside joke, share a funny story, briefly say how you’ve been, and ask how he’s been.  You would assume he thought fondly of you.  Try to get into that frame of mind and send a simple friendly email. 

YOU WRITE: Jump right in with a funny story or inside joke, like this: “Guess what happened yesterday?!  I saw a woman wearing a cape!”  (Or whatever.  Share a story however you normally would with Dan.)  Next, something quick about how you’re doing—for instance, “I’m loving being a lifeguard.  You wouldn’t believe what I get paid to sit there in the sun and announce adult swims!”  (Obviously, personalize this for you… or Dan will have you institutionalized.)  Finally, ask how he is.  For example, “So how are you?  How’s the internship?”  Keep the tone natural, the email brief, and, most important, don’t try to send any pressuring messages between the lines.

WHAT NEXT: Dan may write back and stay in touch as you’d hoped.  He may write back and then fall out of touch again.  He may not write back at all.  Unfortunately, when any relationship is in its early stages—before you feel completely free to share any and all worries or frustrations—it’s really hard to know what to do about even simple differences in your personalities.  Having a clear sense of your personal priorities will serve you well right now—as will having confidence in yourself and patience.

THE STRATEGY

Sending a brief, friendly email using whatever tone is most fun and natural for you is a good way to open the door for Dan to get back in touch.  Some people are very low-key about staying in touch when they’re away, regardless of how they feel.  Of course there’s a chance that Dan doesn’t want a serious relationship, or, worst case, that he is trying to distance himself from you.  On the other hand, here’s a best-case scenario: Dan is just caught up in being back home and feels so comfortable and happy with you that he hasn’t worried about being out of touch.  Your friendly email provides Dan an easy and appealing way to reestablish contact, and it provides you a chance to learn more about Dan.

Click to enlarge!

What if Dan is out of touch all summer?  What if he remains hard to read?  This is where your personal priorities become so important.  Take the Ownership Challenge to sort out what, if anything, you want to do about this now.  Think carefully about what is most important to you.  If it feels most important to be in a romantic relationship this summer, perhaps Dan isn’t the best candidate.  If it is your priority to see where things go with Dan, fostering healthy self-confidence will help give you patience as you wait to find out what he has in mind.  There are many other choices for each priority, and many other possible priorities.  Take your time.  There’s no wrong answer—what matters is owning your options.

Here’s a great general priority to keep in mind when beginning any relationship: be your favorite version of yourself.  All of us do at least a little shape-shifting as we interact with different people—a grandparent brings out certain facets of our personality, while a rude boss brings out others.  When does your own personal favorite version of yourself come out?  How would that person respond to Dan in this and other situations?  If Dan is the right guy, the two of you will get along best when you are yourself—that is, when you act in ways that let you feel like your favorite, most content, most happy version of yourself.

Losing Battle

THE ASSIGNMENT

“What do you say when you want to end a stupid argument where one person is saying, 'My way is always right' and the other person is saying, 'People have different opinions and that's cool?' I had a weird conversation with a guy who sometimes hangs out with my friends. Hw was saying that people shouldn't worry so much about monogamy and should have open marriages. I was saying, okay, but I personally wouldn’t like that, and he said I wasn't open-minded enough, and I said why can't this just be a personal decision? He just would not give up on it and made me out to seem like I’m extremely close-minded. I’m not.  I’m saying, sure, cool, YOU can have an open marriage and I won't, why isn't that fine?

How do I stop this stupid fight when I am not really arguing that much, but I'm also not going to agree with him as much as he wants? This was just a hypothetical debate. It would have been cool with me to have an intellectual conversation with him and to agree to disagree, but instead he just wants to win and he made it personal. I ended by just telling him to stop wasting my time and forcing his ideas on everyone, but now he's always rolling his eyes at me and making jokes about how old-school and delicate I am.”

—Tina

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

SETUP: When any conversation has stopped being constructive—like when a friendly hypothetical debate turn into a winner-take-all showdown—it is as though you are playing a game of cards and the rules have suddenly changed.  Now you’re being asked to bet real money instead of count imaginary points.  A common mistake is to keep playing the game with the hopes of steering it back to its original rules.  Instead, the most efficient (and sometimes only) way out is to stop playing the game altogether.  This can take the form of simply walking away, or using active listening to deescalate the argument, like so:

HE SAYS: “Your argument for monogamy is outdated and speaks to a naïve view of modern relationships.”

YOU SAY: (in a relaxed tone with your voice going down at the end of the sentences) “So, you see open marriages as the healthier approach.  Monogamy is old-fashioned in your eyes.  I follow what you’re saying.”  Then change the topic—shift it to something sort of related but lightweight (“Oh, have you ever seen that show about the family with 20 kids?”).  Don’t try to score any additional points—it’s a never-ending battle.

WHAT NEXT: Some people just really want to argue—scoring points in this game makes them feel good in this moment, and you happen to be present.  He may plow ahead no matter what you do.  You can always walk away.  But, if you stay put and stick to pure active listening, he’ll have a really hard time continuing to debate with you—you’re giving him nothing to push back against.  If he accuses you of patronizing him by only summarizing what he is saying, just say warmly, “I see how it could sound that way.  I’m just not in the mood to debate, so instead I’m listening carefully and making sure I get what you’re saying.”

THE STRATEGY

If you are talking a lot about Side B—filling up that
side of the scale—the person you are talking to will
probably feel an impulse to balance things out by
talking more about Side A.

It’s very challenging to keep your cool when someone else steers a conversation into an argument—especially when it feels personal. You may view the other party as acting unreasonable or unfair.  You want your logical arguments to get through.  In spite of all this, the most effective strategy to end your aggravation is to avoid providing any points of resistance whatsoever.  In fact, this is a highly effective strategy whether your goal is to deescalate an argument or to influence someone to see a new perspective.

If you use active listening to talk about Side A
with the other person, they will feel less of an
impulse to keep emphasizing that one side. They
may even offer a few arguments for Side B to
keep things balanced.

It doesn’t matter whether you are creating resistance by yelling out your opinion, very calmly and detachedly playing devil’s advocate, or caringly trying to help the other person look at a new perspective.  If the other person hears anything that counters what he is thinking or feeling, he will become more committed to his opinion.  Our brains seek balance as they try to make sense of the world, so if you are advocating for one perspective, the other person’s brain is most likely working on an alternate view.

When you listen actively and avoid arguing (which, by the way, has nothing to do with whether you agree or disagree), you leave the other person alone with the task of finding balance—you’re no longer adding any of your own weight to their mental scale.  Every now and then, this may even prompt the other person to start voicing some of the arguments you were tempted to make!

So, active listening can help you get out of a dead-end argument, but what about this guy rolling his eyes and teasing you after the fact?  He’s getting something out of that—perhaps he thinks he’s being funny or he’s trying to ruffle your feathers.  In any case, don’t reward the behavior by giving him predictable feedback.  If anything, act politely confused, as though he has the wrong person.  This will be uncomfortably awkward for him.  He may move on.  Or he may remind you of the debate, at which point you just say cheerfully but without genuine amusement, “Oh, yes, I remember that!  Very funny!”  Then quickly shift topics.  The awkwardness and failure of the joke to land may be enough to discourage him from trying the same tactic again.

Playing Mean

THE ASSIGNMENT

You can’t always predict what will offend someone. The Relationship
Ghostwriter had to find out the hard way that Seventh Vice President
and sometimes-adversary John C. Calhoun finds mid-afternoon coffee
breaks "disrespectful and intemperate."

“I am a social worker. Recently, one of my bosses, Jill, ran a training exercise for our staff. We had to take little quizzes in which the moderator was either really nice and supportive, neutral, or mean and rude. We were learning about the impact of our attitude on our clients.

Jill asked me to help her run this exercise by playing the rude person. This is not natural. I try to be a nice guy all the time. But I was willing to help, with Jill reassuring me that she would explain to my co-workers that she had specifically instructed me to pretend to be a jerk. When we did the exercise, most people got a kick out of watching me try to act like a big meanie because I’m usually a goofball. They laughed and had fun.

But one co-worker, Mary, had her feelings hurt! Playing my assigned role, I had told her something like, ‘Shut up and do your quiz.’ She did not say anything to me, but later she went to a mutual friend at work and CRIED because I was rude to her! The mutual friend came to me with Mary’s permission, trying to help by letting me know what happened.

I am mortified! I hate that I made someone feel bad. I am also, frankly, annoyed at Mary that she didn’t grasp what everyone else did--that I had been instructed by our boss to act awful for this exercise. She gave me no benefit of the doubt based on all the years I have been friendly to her. What on earth am I supposed to do or say? I want to fix this, but at the same time I’d almost rather quit my job than interact with Mary again, it’s so awkward.”

—Nick

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP: It is important that you have a respectful face-to-face talk with Mary in private as soon as possible. If it feels too awkward to approach Mary on your own, consider asking someone you trust to help facilitate the conversation—maybe your boss Jill or your mutual friend.  When you talk to Mary, your goal is to be gracefully honest.

YOU SAY: “Our friend let me know that you felt hurt after I was rude to you during the exercise.  I feel so sorry and mortified to hear that I offended you.  That’s the last thing I would want, and I’m just so sorry I caused you to be upset.”

WHAT NEXT: You can also honor your need to explain that you had no intention of hurting Mary.  Say, “It’s very important to me that you know this was not personal. I would never behave so rudely toward you or anyone in normal circumstances.  I was in an awkward position, having been instructed to be rude to everyone as a part of the exercise.  It was really uncomfortable for me, and I hate that it had this effect on you.”

THE STRATEGY

This is a very awkward situation, and your conflicting responses make perfect sense—on the one hand, you feel compassionate remorse, while, on the other hand, you feel unfairly condemned, a victim of circumstance.  Poor Mary... but, at the same time, how dare she? 

It is great that you can identify these conflicting emotions.  As always, you have many choices.  For example, you could do nothing, or you could express to your friend that Mary is being unfair and hope it gets back to her, or you could complain to your boss that she put you in this position and needs make it right.  Take ownership and identify your priorities to narrow down your choices.  In your submission, you emphasize being kind to others, and you say you want to “fix this.”  If you choose to focus on those priorities, a direct meaningful apology to Mary lays the best groundwork for a constructive, respectful, and prompt resolution.

Apologize simply, sincerely, and non-judgmentally.  If you have information you want to share, explain yourself without making excuses: in other words, do not present facts as counterweights to the pain someone else experienced.  Share your truth, make your apology, listen respectfully, and then be finished.  You are not required to hash it out for hours or act awkward around Mary.  One meaningful apology satisfies your obligation.

Sometimes it feels unfair that someone who misunderstood your intent gets to receive your apology.  It may make it more palatable to remember that, from time to time, every single one of us will cause offense or harm in spite of our best intentions.  Intention isn’t everything.  You don’t lose anything by making a meaningful apology.  You have a lot to lose if you turn a blind eye to what happened or if you become paralyzed by your shame.

Intention isn’t everything, but it is important.  You feel mortified because, despite your good intentions, you had a part in making someone else upset.  It shook your confidence, and it’s natural to feel shaken.  But don’t fall into the trap of globalizing one bad experience.  One person had a negative reaction to what you did.  Everyone else seems to have benefitted from what you did.  You were acting with good intentions, doing your best to help your boss and your co-workers.  You cannot control everyone’s reactions—Mary surprised you this time.  We are imperfect.  Our relationships are imperfect.  Be generous and forgiving with Mary—and with yourself.