Savor the Favor

THE ASSIGNMENT

"I am a senior at ucla and I plan to go to law school so I need to write up lots of applications! the problem is I have to ask professors to write letters of recommendation for me!! I asked my TA and he said he'd do one because I was a good student, but he also said TA letters aren't as good as professor letters. he said just go see professors but when I think about that I get really scared. I took a senior seminar with a really good professor and I think she liked me a lot but how do you ask them something like that??

i just keep imagining that the professor wants to say no but she can't. it seems like it causes them so much trouble and if they don't really want to write it they have to figure out how to tell you. so how do you ask a professor to write a letter for you when you aren't sure if that's going to cause them trouble? I really want the letter so I can use it in my applications but I also want the professor to not feel bad like I'm bothering her?”

— Jackie

The Relationship Ghostwriter proudly wears its
cape when an event calls for professional attire.

THE GHOSTWRITER’S RESPONSE

THE SETUP:  You will give yourself the best chances of success by visiting the professor in person, and possibly sending a follow-up email later to thank her.  Dress in a reasonably professional manner—nothing too formal, but not gym clothes or pajamas—and go to the professor’s office hours.  If you are nervous, have a friend pretend she is the professor and practice with her in advance.  Make it your goal to use an assertive tone of voice.

When you arrive, greet your professor, and remind her of your name and what class you had with her.  Ask her if she is teaching the same class this semester, and how that is going.  Making some small talk in this way will get you used to hearing your voice in her office—it may seem inconsequential, but it is important to adjust to hearing yourself in any new context.  After the small talk dies its natural death, be sure to get right to the point:

YOU SAY:  I’m here to ask you for a letter of recommendation.  I’m applying to law schools.  I’m trying to get in to [insert names of law schools here].

WHAT NEXT:  Your professor is used to being asked for letters of recommendation.  She will likely have questions for you, such as, “How did you choose where to apply?”  In the day or so before you visit your professor, practice answers to possible questions during quiet moments—while you are getting ready in the morning, while walking to the library, etc.  Don’t script and memorize answers, just interview yourself and envision how you want to be perceived.  Plan to be specific.  Do not simply say “I don’t know” to any questions, and do not act as though you simply need a professor—any professor—to write a letter for you.  Why are you going to law school?  What made her a “good” professor?  Expressing clear reasons behind your choices will increase your chances of success.  From there, the ball will be in your professor’s court and the conversation will come to a natural conclusion.

 

THE STRATEGY

Being assertive and specific makes you sound and feel more confident, which in turns makes you appear more competent.  If you’re really struggling over how to sound assertive, visualize someone you know who is very successful in his or her work—perhaps even this professor.  How does that person sound when s/he is asked a question?  Get a sense of how it feels to act like that person.  Of course you won’t want to mirror someone else’s personality for the rest of all time, but you can learn you are capable of more than you think just by imitating someone you admire.

What about your concerns as to whether or not you should ask for a letter from this professor in the first place?  There are two things to consider.

First, consider what the Ownership Challenge tells you to do.  You have identified a high priority: getting this letter of recommendation.  You also have another priority: to avoid troubling your professor; specifically, to prevent her from experiencing social anxiety over how to say “no” to you if she doesn’t want to write the letter.  This second priority is a slippery one, because it dances on the border of the Too-General-And-Too-Uncontrollable-So-Try-Again zone (the white part in the diagram below—as opposed to the green Winner’s Magical Zone of Specific Controllable-ness).

You are not in charge of how your professor feels.  You can influence her reaction (for example, by acting professional no matter what), but it is her Ownership Challenge to take personal responsibility for her own decisions, satisfaction, and happiness.  Her reactions do not fall within your jurisdiction.  She has chosen a job in which she must find acceptable ways to say yes or no to exactly this kind of request—whether or not you ask her, she will be asked by future students, and her contentment is her concern.

  

One of the best ways to avoid overstepping your jurisdiction in the Ownership Challenge is to imagine that everyone around you is also engaged in the Ownership Challenge.  This is not always true, of course, but the belief leads to healthy results.  When you believe others are also taking ownership, you are freed of wasting energy on worries over which you have very limited control.  For example, let’s say you ask your roommate to join you for dinner.  You ask if she wants Chinese or Mexican food.  She says she wants Mexican.  You either believe her (good), or you fret over whether she has unspoken preferences and will be unhappy (not so good).  Perhaps she is keeping something from you—perhaps she even has a habit of passive-aggressively consenting to choices that don’t suit her, then playing the martyr.  Even if this is true, her un-assertive behavior is not an effective long-term strategy, and she will have trouble finding satisfaction in life whether you cater to her or not.  If you simply believe what she tells you and then act on it with positive intentions, you are modeling more strategic and effective behavior for her, and you are saving yourself a lot of guesswork.

Finally, the second and last consideration: a simple reframing of the situation.  You are understandably anxious about making this request of your professor.  That is normal.  By extension, it is natural to imagine that your professor feels burdened by the job of writing the letter.  Reframe this.  You are giving your professor an opportunity to provide a service at which she excels.  She benefits from helping you: you validate her career, her worth, and her human generosity.  Our culture tends to assume that asking help of others is an imposition.  But, when we ourselves help others, we feel bighearted.  We feel valued.  We feel good about ourselves.

Believe that your professor is equipped to handle your request and to assert herself.  And, if she says she wants to write the letter, believe her, thank her sincerely, and move forward.